Ego. Again.

Some time ago, I posted about the importance of ego. Or at least, the importance of the appearance of ego. The ego is what makes you think you are important. If you have a big ego, you think you're more important than everybody else, and if you have not very much ego, you think you're less important than everybody else. Well here's the thing: autism. Self-ness. The name implies focus only on the self. But is this really the case across the spectrum?

I can only really speak of Asperger Syndrome, and within that, myself. It is not uncommon for Aspergians to feel something akin to paranoia. Why akin to? If a person has made more than a couple of social faux pas, they may be justified in believing that they are being watched or spoken about. So, not exactly the irrational belief that they are being observed or are the centre of secret discussions. But a large portion of that feeling is added by the person themselves: I'm not being included, it must be about me. And this is how people with low self confidence, introverts, and some people with AS suffer from an excessive ego.

But being so self-centric can be detrimental to social relationships. No one likes the guy who's a bit of an arse, but it's accidental offenses, rather than the self-interested egotism, that most of us are worried about. The 'oops, they didn't take that right' moments. The 'oh, that's why they're acting funny' moments. You can't change human nature, but you can change your own behaviour. If it upsets you that you've upset someone, you can learn from that. All you can do is learn.

But is this behaviour inherent, or is it learned as self defence? Assume the worst, and everything's an improvement. Not really the best philosophy for life, but getting over the emotional hump, the Wednesday of you ego, is the trick. By no means am I saying change yourself to make people like you, but I am saying try to curb the behaviour that you've found has upset people, because in the end, it's upsetting you. Be selfish in that respect. So, at the risk of sounding pseudo-philosophical, think of yourself and think of others.

Fatigue

Fatigue, weariness, tiredness. Three things on a spectrum. Fatigue occurs after a prolonged period where physical or mental faculties have been overtaxed. Many Aspies either have experienced or will experience fatigue at some point in their lives. Asperger's is sometimes known as 'wrong planet syndrome'. This is effectively true, especially when thrust in to the working world.

Most types of employment involve some levels of stress. Not yours? Imagine sitting by a cool pool in warm weather with no cares in the world. Now imagine your job. Stress. Most jobs involve forms of social interaction. No example needed here unless you test code in a darkened room all day, or spend your nights measuring light pollution. Social interaction. A person with AS may not notice that it takes effort, because it always has - this is normal. Also, it is a fact that many schools of management think that specialisation increases work efficiency. Why bring that up? Let me phrase it like this perhaps: Are you tired of doing the Same Thing Every Day? Some people may like it, but for others the endless performance of one tasks s demoralising. Uniformity.

These factors contribute heavily to fatigue, but for most Aspergians, the constant social environment is the perhaps the largest factor. This may be why we have been "traditionally" unable to maintain full-time employment (cited in a lot of literature, though I have never seen any raw data). From my own experience, fatigue is very real. There are a variety additional factors in my case, such as the feeling of futility and impotence to change the ineptitude of low level management, giving me a sense of fatigue. Such that, I have taken two weeks off work simply to do nothing. Easy for some, you might say. Well, yes, I do have the means to take this break, and I certainly had the motivation. I still don't feel entirely at ease, and am due to return to work on Monday. I shall have to see how quickly the fatigue returns. But right now, it feels necessary, because for every week working, I felt increasingly tired in my bones. I've been employed for under 1 year.

Would You Rather Be Normal or Weird?

When asked this question, most people would say weird. Weird, isn't it? It's because they're not answering the question. The real question is actually asking whether you would prefer to fit in or not. Think about it if you don't get it at first.

Normal means like everyone else. What it doesn't mean is a clone of everyone else. So when the neurotypicals say they want to be different from everyone else, they don't really understand. Being different is fine, being different can be great, but nobody wants to feel excluded because of their difference. And that's what weird is. If a person is too different for the social circle or peer group, they will be slowly forced or left out. Because they're weird.

There are probably many people on the spectrum who would disagree with me, but I would prefer to be normal. Or at least, I think I would given a few caveats. If normal meant no social anxiety, no difficulty understanding social situation, no need for stimming, that would be fantastic. But if it came with a trade off so that I was less intelligent, and could not really feel through my music, was not passionate about the little things, I'm not sure I would go for it.

I have always been the weird one in the social groups. This has suited me fine. It means I could be myself, and those around me could enjoy me being myself. But as time moves on, so do friends, and you find yourself in a shrinking circle. If I were "normal" I would probably just make new friends. But it's not that easy. Weird doesn't make you friends. I don't often feel weird, but when I do, it's not a good feeling. Can you, you who are reading this, honestly say that you enjoy feeling left out because of who you are?