What You Don't See

Autism is a spectrum, and Asperger Syndrome is said to be on that spectrum (some people think it should be separate, though). Asperger Syndrome is itself a spectrum, ranging from apparently neurotypical, to more obvious high functioning autism (HFA). No matter where a person is on this spectrum, it is entirely possible for them to appear neurotypical (should that be their goal).

There's are the aspies people don't see. To all outward appearances they are 'normal', no matter how they behave at home. These very people may have many internal struggles, or very few. The point is, the ones that society notices are the ones that are not coping with society. A person diagnosed with needing substantial help may still be coping well due to support networks.

But people don't always see what's in front of them. If they don't take an interest, then they might not notice when someone needs support. I suppose the purpose of this post is really to say that even Aspies who appear to be coping might like some support. When I first left for university, to live away from home for the first time, I felt overwhelmed. When I think of the responsibilities of living in a property where nothing is provided, where I'd have to sort out gas, electric, internet, and any other bills, I'm not sure how I'd cope.

I'm not saying I think I need support (I don't even know if I would qualify), but I know I would be happier. I suppose the emotional support provided by a spouse would be more than enough. I would classify my problems as small, and may be experienced by NTs, but I still struggle more than NTs without practice (or training). I can now make a short phonecall without mapping out all of the conversational possibilities and coming up with responses. I might still hesitate, and of course I call on my bank of stock telephone phrases.

I can only speak for myself, but I find that I am able to behave more neurotypical when around NTs (see The Appearance of Ego). What I am careful of people not to see (except maybe my parents), are these inequities. However, my fear of engaging strangers in conversation is still a sticking point for me. I don't want to be coddled, I would like some support, but I don't want people to see me struggle.

Appropriate Words

I know a lot of words. I've always known a lot of words. I read, I listen, I remember. Little Professors: a phrase used by Hans Asperger to describe the children in his study. When I was younger I stayed up late to finish writing something, and woke up early to read something else before going to school. I owned a thesaurus and used it. I used words the teachers didn't know. If I hear an interesting word, it sticks in my head until I find a definition, then it sticks in my head as a defined word. I was a Little Professor.

The problem is using the right word in every situation. It's said that we tend to be more articulate than most, and even verbose at time, and for most cases I believe that that's true (my friends have even asked me why I use 'big words', to which I answer 'because they are the most accurate words in this context'). The most common occurrence I have noticed with myself is referring to females, of any age. I know young females are girls, and that old females are women. I think the term 'ladies' is often used satirically (at least in modern UK culture). Women refer to other women as 'the girls'. 'Lads' is only used to describe a guy's friends, and it's always a 'couple of blokes'. So what do I call my early-twenty-something female friends? What would you call them? My observations suggest that 'girls' is the term despite them being legal adults. Perhaps my issues are with the rules, or lack thereof.

But to step aside from that particular quagmire, it is a consistent problem. It isn't uncommon for the exact word I'm looking for to escape me and I'm left floundering. Recently I was trying to describe something, and I couldn't find the descriptor of the correct intensity. This is perhaps a side effect or a symptom of always wanting to be precise. Sometimes when I'm asked what NTs call a 'yes or no' question, my answer can be quite long. A simple question may ask for my favourite colour (although I can't really think of a situation other than a constructed dating scenario). I would then ask what for? I might like a certain colour shirt, but not want my walls to by that colour. What's good on a car is not necessarily good on someone's head.

I don't really have a conclusion for this item, other than if you didn't know, now you did, and if you did, there's some proof for ya.

Reading "Watching The English"

Reading this book I almost get the same levels of clarity and revelation as I did when I first seriously researched Asperger Syndrome. I'm only partway through Kate Fox's anthropological study of my home people, and already I'm seeing things I've observed myself, but more importantly I'm learning things that could be useful.

Of course, most people out there are not English (which is unfortunate for them), so this book loses quite a lot of relevance. But I do think an outside view of customs and rituals can be very helpful for those who don't instinctively know them. So far, I have noticed a few differences between the observations in her book and my observations of my immediate social group. It could be generational, but even if it isn't it's still generally true. It's a good read.

The "Why-Because" Circle

I had an experience recently that I think Aspies will understand, and even the more laterally thinking NTs... The "Why-Because" Circle. When I don't understand things, I question until I do, which would be fine in an Aspie world, but not in one where my rulebook is different from everyone else's.

The crux of the issue is the difference in opinion of what a 'reason' is. I like solid reasons like an answer to "Why do we eat?" - simply "Because we have the urge to, we get good feelings when we do and bad feelings when we don't", or even "If you don't eat, you die." The type of answer I hate is "...because that's what's done".

I suppose if something is done long enough it is tradition, and I'm fine with that, but couldn't someone have pointed out the stupid ones before they became long running. An example from physics is the conventions for current in a circuit - the convention is that positive travels to negative, but in actuality does the opposite. So why not change it when we found that out? Because that's the way we'd done for a long time. Other situations like this are not the worst ones - at least they have a discernible source.

Often, when a person is told to do something a certain way, they do it that way. Some will ask why, and will get the response "because this is the way we do it". I would always want to know why, why do it that way? Sometimes because it seems inefficient or illogical. The 'best' people always explain why (probably because they know, and weren't just told themselves), but other will just say "it's done that way because that's the way everybody does it". Cheers, that's real helpful. And I bet you can guess why everybody does it that way... because it's what is done.

These kinds of arguments can infuriate me if I don't take a step back and tell myself it's not that big a deal. On the grand scheme of things it isn't, but Aspies can magnify small issues (quite often, too) to make them seem big to themselves. I think, once you are aware of an issue, you are already better equipped to deal with it. Self improvement isn't just for outward appearance.