I Had A Friend

I have a friend. I had a friend. Had. Have. Definitions...

In Primary School, at age 4 or 5, I met new people. Some of these people I would never see again after High School, some never after Sixth Form. Most of the children/people I met there have just faded out of my life over the years. Either circumstances changed, or neither of us made the effort. It happens to everyone. When I went to university, I found that one friend was a friend of convenience, and we never spoke after that. One friend was a school friend. Another a friend of a friend, who stopped beings friends with that friend. These are reasons I can understand. There are situations though, that I cannot even comprehend.

A friend I knew from the age of 4, grew up with, was friends with, played online with, ate with, was in a band with, stopped communicating with me after 18 years. Meeting up every other week, talking regularly, then nothing. No thing. We knew eachother's custom sandwich order, guys. Our pets recognised the other. Excommunicated. I found out he was getting married by chance on social media.

And the question is "Why?". Some people would have asked that, and having found no satisfactory answer, moved on. But what is necessary is closure. And for an obsessive such as myself, that is difficult. To assert and accept that a large part of your history, even your identity, wants nothing to do with you. To say to yourself, and mean it, that this person has no effect on you. It is not a loss like a death. Death is a circumstance, a fate, that forcefully parts people. There is no choice. My lack of comprehension is that of the choice.

It may not have been one choice. It may have been a thousand little choices, drops in the ocean. But an ocean is made of drops. But here it is now. I still feel a friendship towards, but not from.

I've read that NT relationships are formed and maintained by consistent and regular positive emotions. I agree with the forming of the forming idea, but not the maintaining. That theory implies a jug of water with a hole in it. You need to keep refilling or the water will drain. Are NTs really like that? My jug has no hole. To extend the metaphor, the only way to empty my jug is by human action, but scooping the water out or by knocking the jug over. (as a side, I could try and link this metaphor with "a glass half full" optimism when it comes to personal relationships. I always seem to care more than they do.)

Without two people to hold this jug, it's getting pretty heavy. I'd hope that someone would come and empty it, or help me carry it. But neither of those is likely. A sad note, but everyone needs to vent once in a while.

"Will You Miss Me?"

I had some ask me that recently, and I didn't have nearly enough time to evaluate my feelings and decide how to express them. When a friend leaves, it's certainly a change, especially when you've known this person for a long time. My friend, let's call her Alice, is leaving the area with no intention to return any time soon. It's not thousands of miles like it could be in America, but it's still a bitch of a commute.

I think the honest answer would be no, I wouldn't miss Alice, in strict interpretation. I think that 'missing' someone implies a feeling of loss, a bit of mourning, and a general sad feeling. You may think it's my response is somewhat robotic, a little Spockian, but that makes it no less genuine. I would prefer it if she stayed. I like life how it is, and she's part of that.

I have invested vast amounts of time building this friendship over seven years. There have been a few down moments, but I think that made it stronger. I have a strong emotional attachment to her. However, her leaving will not directly affect me. She will not be available to come on nights out, I can't go to a coffee shop with her, we can't have a mooch around town. These are events which I enjoy, but won't happen, and I don't feel I will particularly lament their absence. We will absolutely still talk online, and I'm sure if my generation used phones to call people, we'd do that occasionally too.

But I don't like change (not that most people do). I won't like the fact that we can't do these things, but I won't be genuinely sad. I know this because I had another friend move away a few years ago. I could have said goodbye at the airport, but it was an early flight and I was asleep. Again, this is a friend who I really enjoyed spending time with, and now I sometimes think it would be nice to meet up again. I can't, the main reason is the trip would probably cost me close to a month's wages, and I think Japan would freak me out.

I think what I said is that I wouldn't like not having her around. I will not miss Alice: I will miss the social interactions. I can still talk to her, so it's not that bad. Either that's a bonus of being Aspie, or I'm just a guy...