I Had A Friend

I have a friend. I had a friend. Had. Have. Definitions...

In Primary School, at age 4 or 5, I met new people. Some of these people I would never see again after High School, some never after Sixth Form. Most of the children/people I met there have just faded out of my life over the years. Either circumstances changed, or neither of us made the effort. It happens to everyone. When I went to university, I found that one friend was a friend of convenience, and we never spoke after that. One friend was a school friend. Another a friend of a friend, who stopped beings friends with that friend. These are reasons I can understand. There are situations though, that I cannot even comprehend.

A friend I knew from the age of 4, grew up with, was friends with, played online with, ate with, was in a band with, stopped communicating with me after 18 years. Meeting up every other week, talking regularly, then nothing. No thing. We knew eachother's custom sandwich order, guys. Our pets recognised the other. Excommunicated. I found out he was getting married by chance on social media.

And the question is "Why?". Some people would have asked that, and having found no satisfactory answer, moved on. But what is necessary is closure. And for an obsessive such as myself, that is difficult. To assert and accept that a large part of your history, even your identity, wants nothing to do with you. To say to yourself, and mean it, that this person has no effect on you. It is not a loss like a death. Death is a circumstance, a fate, that forcefully parts people. There is no choice. My lack of comprehension is that of the choice.

It may not have been one choice. It may have been a thousand little choices, drops in the ocean. But an ocean is made of drops. But here it is now. I still feel a friendship towards, but not from.

I've read that NT relationships are formed and maintained by consistent and regular positive emotions. I agree with the forming of the forming idea, but not the maintaining. That theory implies a jug of water with a hole in it. You need to keep refilling or the water will drain. Are NTs really like that? My jug has no hole. To extend the metaphor, the only way to empty my jug is by human action, but scooping the water out or by knocking the jug over. (as a side, I could try and link this metaphor with "a glass half full" optimism when it comes to personal relationships. I always seem to care more than they do.)

Without two people to hold this jug, it's getting pretty heavy. I'd hope that someone would come and empty it, or help me carry it. But neither of those is likely. A sad note, but everyone needs to vent once in a while.

You're An Effort to Deal With

It's not a uncommon view that people on the spectrum are hard to deal with. I accept that this may be true, especially as you go further along the spectrum. Neurotypicals have to "deal" with people with milder ASDs because we are, to them, unconventional. Trust me, there are books on it.

Well here's something - I find NTs hard to deal with. Twice recently, this has been brought home to me. Like any introvert, I like my own time to 'recharge'. As someone  with Aspergers, my sympathetic nervous system is 'on' more than that of a physiologically normal person. What does that mean? My parasympathetic nervous system is less effective at relaxing and recharging me. In real terms, it means I genuinely need time after work, or after a social gathering, or any situation with stressors, so I can be prepared for the next day. Twice recently, I have had guests from the moment I walked in (and one basically until I went to bed).

I enjoy seeing these people. But when I have company sprung on me without time to recharge or mentally prepare, I feel out of sorts. I'm not disturbed that my routine is upset (or upset that my routine is disturbed, take your pick), and I'm not put out that they want to see me. It purely is that I was trying to wind down, and someone accidentally dropped a spanner in the works.

This is true for many Aspies, and possibly, to some extent, everyone else. There doesn't need to stereotypical stress, and it doesn't have to have been a hectic day. I might post again about the nervous systems (as I have done about the brain), but for now let me say this: everyone is hard to deal with for a lot of Aspies, and it gets tiring, so it may seem like boredom or disinterest or anything else, but it can genuinely be that we've had enough socialising for today, so please go away.

Mockingbird

I wrote previously about how the non-fiction work "Watching The English" could be useful to English Aspies. I book I read some time ago may also be useful: Mockingbird. No, I didn't buy it mistakenly thinking it was part of the recently popular Hunger Games trilogy. It is the story of a young girl with Asperger Syndrome as she tries to help her father out of depression after the murder of her brother. Cheery stuff... But for people on the spectrum and not on the spectrum, I think it's worth a read.

Written in the first person, it really gets you into her thought processes, so you really understand the character and her decisions. If you're not on the spectrum, I would say it gives good insight into someone with Asperger Syndrome, not all of us, but some of us.

Give it a go. Kathryn Erskine. Mockingbird.

Anger At Myself

Sometimes I can't help but be frustrated. I can't let things go, I find it difficult to relax, and my social ineptitude can get me down. I don't have anyone to blame, and I don't want anyone to blame. I am the way I am mostly though genetics.

I get angry at myself sometimes when some time later I realise, or it is pointed out, that I may have done something odd, insensitive, or hurtful. It's anger at myself because I was unable to see these flaws, and frustration with myself that I am unable to handle these emotions. I think mostly it's that I am frustrated that I lack the will power to overcome my shortcomings.

Until I can master those, or at least improve upon them, I need to cope with the negative emotions, anxiety and obsession. It's often advised that one should talk about it, thus making it a bit better.  I don't talk to people about my Aspergers much, and I can't always talk to them when I need to, so I try coping strategies.

Coping is using intelligence to find something to distract, or move attention away, from the current situation. When I'm feeling anxious or frustrated, I tend to be overcome with nervous energy and start to pace. This is more of a symptom than a coping strategy. What I do then is sit down, breathe deeply and think logically about the most likely outcomes and the (in)significance of their impact. And this works for a short period of time.

When I'm angry, I have a different coping mechanism which may not be for everyone. I find that an adrenaline filled activity where skill is needed, can completely reduce the feelings of anger. I usually play Modern Warfare 2. Why? It get's my heart rate up, I have to combine sight, hearing, and my brain, and I genuinely care about the outcome. It might help that I'm good at the game, but I don't get the same release when I play other games. Physical exercise like lifting weights or using punchbags doesn't work for me but it might for others.

And for just general stress or obsession, I've found that a walk does me good. There are obviously times when you can't just walk three miles, but I have yet to find something else to help. Well there is one thing, but I haven't tried it much, which is just lying on the floor. I find it very hard to care about things when I'm lying staring at the ceiling. It could just be me though. Whatever works for you I suppose.