I Had A Friend

I have a friend. I had a friend. Had. Have. Definitions...

In Primary School, at age 4 or 5, I met new people. Some of these people I would never see again after High School, some never after Sixth Form. Most of the children/people I met there have just faded out of my life over the years. Either circumstances changed, or neither of us made the effort. It happens to everyone. When I went to university, I found that one friend was a friend of convenience, and we never spoke after that. One friend was a school friend. Another a friend of a friend, who stopped beings friends with that friend. These are reasons I can understand. There are situations though, that I cannot even comprehend.

A friend I knew from the age of 4, grew up with, was friends with, played online with, ate with, was in a band with, stopped communicating with me after 18 years. Meeting up every other week, talking regularly, then nothing. No thing. We knew eachother's custom sandwich order, guys. Our pets recognised the other. Excommunicated. I found out he was getting married by chance on social media.

And the question is "Why?". Some people would have asked that, and having found no satisfactory answer, moved on. But what is necessary is closure. And for an obsessive such as myself, that is difficult. To assert and accept that a large part of your history, even your identity, wants nothing to do with you. To say to yourself, and mean it, that this person has no effect on you. It is not a loss like a death. Death is a circumstance, a fate, that forcefully parts people. There is no choice. My lack of comprehension is that of the choice.

It may not have been one choice. It may have been a thousand little choices, drops in the ocean. But an ocean is made of drops. But here it is now. I still feel a friendship towards, but not from.

I've read that NT relationships are formed and maintained by consistent and regular positive emotions. I agree with the forming of the forming idea, but not the maintaining. That theory implies a jug of water with a hole in it. You need to keep refilling or the water will drain. Are NTs really like that? My jug has no hole. To extend the metaphor, the only way to empty my jug is by human action, but scooping the water out or by knocking the jug over. (as a side, I could try and link this metaphor with "a glass half full" optimism when it comes to personal relationships. I always seem to care more than they do.)

Without two people to hold this jug, it's getting pretty heavy. I'd hope that someone would come and empty it, or help me carry it. But neither of those is likely. A sad note, but everyone needs to vent once in a while.

You're An Effort to Deal With

It's not a uncommon view that people on the spectrum are hard to deal with. I accept that this may be true, especially as you go further along the spectrum. Neurotypicals have to "deal" with people with milder ASDs because we are, to them, unconventional. Trust me, there are books on it.

Well here's something - I find NTs hard to deal with. Twice recently, this has been brought home to me. Like any introvert, I like my own time to 'recharge'. As someone  with Aspergers, my sympathetic nervous system is 'on' more than that of a physiologically normal person. What does that mean? My parasympathetic nervous system is less effective at relaxing and recharging me. In real terms, it means I genuinely need time after work, or after a social gathering, or any situation with stressors, so I can be prepared for the next day. Twice recently, I have had guests from the moment I walked in (and one basically until I went to bed).

I enjoy seeing these people. But when I have company sprung on me without time to recharge or mentally prepare, I feel out of sorts. I'm not disturbed that my routine is upset (or upset that my routine is disturbed, take your pick), and I'm not put out that they want to see me. It purely is that I was trying to wind down, and someone accidentally dropped a spanner in the works.

This is true for many Aspies, and possibly, to some extent, everyone else. There doesn't need to stereotypical stress, and it doesn't have to have been a hectic day. I might post again about the nervous systems (as I have done about the brain), but for now let me say this: everyone is hard to deal with for a lot of Aspies, and it gets tiring, so it may seem like boredom or disinterest or anything else, but it can genuinely be that we've had enough socialising for today, so please go away.

My Friends Don't Like Their Friends

I'm not entirely sure whether this is an Aspie/NT issue, or just an issue with the people I know. I lean towards the former, since it's with more than one social group. Some of my friends do not like the people they call friends.

Now, I think that's odd: to socialise regularly with someone, converse and have a laugh with them, and still not like them is something I can't understand. I would say there is some male-female divide but although more females have told me about their dislike than males, it is not a clear cut division. When guys don't like each other, they either act civil but mostly ignore the other one, or they are antagonistic and maybe start a fight. It's always worse with girls, or at least I think it is, and is worst with two.

My view of social relationships is that you like your friends. "A bond of mutual affection" is not what I see with some of my friends. Actually, I always saw it and had to be told later that they disliked a particular person. I don't associate with people I don't like. So to hear what my friends to was a bit shocking. Remember I wrote about "Alice"? Soon after she left, another friend told me "I never liked her", which surprised me. On the other hand, the Soaps on TV seem to be full of these relationships. I don't watch them because I don't like them. I don't want them in real life either.

But NTs seem to like these shows, and they seem to live like that. Maybe that's the link.