Look Me In The Eyes

A phrase which, if you read some of the literature, is thrown at us daily. Bypassing why this may be a fruitless exercise (vis-à-vis, repeating the same process and expecting different results), why is eye contact deemed so important? Is it a requirement of communication, a forced social protocol, or an indicator of a person's attitude?

Almost every source on the importance of eye contact states that it is key to fully understanding social interactions(at least with humans). Some suggest it's normal, natural, and that not maintaining eye contact is a sign of disinterest or distrust. On the other hand, eye contact is considered impolite in some cultures. Surely this in itself is proof that the necessity of eye contact is mostly a social construct.

But let's look more in depth at eye contact. If we first accept that the eyes are the window to the soul, then by maintaining eye contact during conversation, a person is seeing someone else's innermost self. Even the most vapid of us is a massively complex individual with layers of thought, intent, beliefs, perceptions, preconceptions, and sub-conscious compulsions. How can even the most empathetic and quick thinking of us absorb all of this information, find out who someone truly is, when concentrating on what words are coming out of their mouth. Would anyone be expected to notice a fly against the vastness of the universe?

Of course, this argument has now reached a level of absurdity. So if eyes do not broadcast the intimates of the soul, then is there another reason to stare so intently at them? Well, the musculature around the actual optic spheres is used by most, albeit subconsciously, to display meaning. A raised eyebrow or two, a furrowed brow, raised cheeks. So the eye may in fact be a centroid to all of the moving parts. But hang on... What about the lips? They should be given some credit when it comes to conveying meaning. The eyes may be aligned centrally on the head, but are certainly not the focus of the face. That would be the pointy, or bulbous as the case may be, bit sticking out the front. Look me in the nose.

So the eyes are simply a focal point on which to base your disinterest, as opposed to the nose. I'm suggesting it's because the eyes are interesting. Surely, at publicly acceptable conversational distances, no one can tell if you're looking at an eye, or an ear, or that interesting painting just over their left shoulder. Do you have my undivided attention? Therefore, provided the face is visible, is it not irrelevant which specific area is focused on? In fact, is it not more polite to observe, with a slight air of disinterest, a person's least spectacular facial feature?

Up to this point, these arguments have been pertinent to all, neurotypicals included. I don't look at people's faces. At least, not often, and not people I'm not well acquainted with. This may partly be because seeing someone is one step away from acknowledging them, which is one step away from greeting them, which is one step away from a brief and probably halting exchange - a situation I don't want to deal with. That aspect at least I have covered before (probably), and will likely cover again (made more likely by the thought processes fired off by this post). I know I can't read faces too well - better than some, but it's not done fluently and instantly, and I'd give myself a 6.5 out of 10 on that score - which may add to the anxiety of an unplanned interaction.

To those who don't understand: imagine talking to someone, hearing their words, then they give you a funny look, you feel bad, and they leave shortly afterwards. What went wrong? You missed half the conversation because you didn't know it was there, or you did, but it was like a foreign language to you. And that's your fault, you wierdo.

So if you are focusing on a face you don't understand, and not on the words you do, it's possible you'll miss something. A verbal nuance. I always turn to the side, to get a better hiew. I'm coining that phrase - a view for your hearing. I'm not distracted by either an ugly or attractive face (or any face between), and I am giving you as much attention as I can spare. I don't need to look in your eyes to hear you. The deaf don't. A metaphor to end on, perhaps? I like those almost as much as Dr. McCoy from Star Trek does. Don't tell someone to juggle, then set their shirt on fire - it's distracting. That's also good, literal advice for any social situation.

Fatigue

Fatigue, weariness, tiredness. Three things on a spectrum. Fatigue occurs after a prolonged period where physical or mental faculties have been overtaxed. Many Aspies either have experienced or will experience fatigue at some point in their lives. Asperger's is sometimes known as 'wrong planet syndrome'. This is effectively true, especially when thrust in to the working world.

Most types of employment involve some levels of stress. Not yours? Imagine sitting by a cool pool in warm weather with no cares in the world. Now imagine your job. Stress. Most jobs involve forms of social interaction. No example needed here unless you test code in a darkened room all day, or spend your nights measuring light pollution. Social interaction. A person with AS may not notice that it takes effort, because it always has - this is normal. Also, it is a fact that many schools of management think that specialisation increases work efficiency. Why bring that up? Let me phrase it like this perhaps: Are you tired of doing the Same Thing Every Day? Some people may like it, but for others the endless performance of one tasks s demoralising. Uniformity.

These factors contribute heavily to fatigue, but for most Aspergians, the constant social environment is the perhaps the largest factor. This may be why we have been "traditionally" unable to maintain full-time employment (cited in a lot of literature, though I have never seen any raw data). From my own experience, fatigue is very real. There are a variety additional factors in my case, such as the feeling of futility and impotence to change the ineptitude of low level management, giving me a sense of fatigue. Such that, I have taken two weeks off work simply to do nothing. Easy for some, you might say. Well, yes, I do have the means to take this break, and I certainly had the motivation. I still don't feel entirely at ease, and am due to return to work on Monday. I shall have to see how quickly the fatigue returns. But right now, it feels necessary, because for every week working, I felt increasingly tired in my bones. I've been employed for under 1 year.

Is All Publicity Good Publicity?

I'm talking about the awareness of autism spectrum disorders. This not only applies to their prevalence, but their understanding. Recent studies have shown that walking a mile in someone's shoes may only compound held beliefs, so is making the world think about autism a good thing?

I am most certainly not saying hide it away, but neither am I saying we should wear quite plain, non-textured adornments so that people everywhere have another 'cause' to be aware of. The only people I know who have heard of Asperger Syndrome are those who it has affected, or those who work with Aspies/Auties. Hey, have you hear about this thing called paraplegia? Of course you have. Have you heard of Schizophrenia? Of course you have. Teurette's had a certain image, and though it may still do, it's a more accurate image because of exposure to those with it.

You can't immediately see AS, and if you've never heard of it you'd just put their behaviour down to quirkiness, or unfortunately sometimes madness. There are a plethora of misdiagnoses, but we know that. The public seem not too, and some are stuck in the days of the Spastic Society. I think that without a strong drive, and possibly a face of AS, people will continue to misunderstand.

By no means am I putting myself forward, but can't some of the health budget go towards lending the support necessary for a sizeable number of people? It isn't a priority, and it should be a little more noticed.

Finding The One, or Just Someone

Despite my respite from posting, I intend to keep this short. I am starting to read a new book (Asperger Meets Girl) and before I got into it, I had some thoughts.

One problem people with an ASD claim to have is an inability to flirt. However, I have the inability to not flirt. I learned my behaviour by watching others and have been told I can be quite flirtatious. Why am I bragging? I'm not.

I lack the emotional and physiological detection skills to determine personal interest from polite interest. I cannot recognise when I'm being hit on unless I can see the checklist of signs. I, and many other A spies and Auties, must learn a) to recognise how and when to flirt, and b) when the hell someone is doing it back.

I've said previously about an anthropology book on the English, and it was useful. If you are struggling, find something which translate innate knowledge into rules and observations. It will help. I read a recent article about an airline helping autistic children understand and be comfortable with air travel. I am only aware of one place that teaches social skills, and more importantly inter-gender skills, in an ASD designed way. I'm not talking about biology, but psychology. Of course, courses and societies exist that are designed to get your designs. Adult learning for adult interactions.

I'm not interested. Occasionally I have considered making my voice heard, coming out of the very safe and decidedly neat Aspie cupboard because these resources either do not exist or a poorly advertised.

Unployment

Unemployment is bad. You don't get money, you don't get social standing, you don't get a sense of accomplishment. But is it? The only thing I disliked about unemployment was the hassle of signing on. Now I'm working and don't like it.

Of course I understand that to get something from the system, I have to put something in to the system, but the disadvantages of unemployment didn't out-weigh the advantages for me.Home was safe. I live with my parents (I'm 21 at the time of writing, by the way) and have rarely been short on funds. I had an active social life, and I think you can guess I liked doing whatever I wanted every day.

But now I have a job. I don't like it because it truly is below my intelligence level - no excitement, no challenge. I've been told nobody likes work. Why? They've settled, as I might do someday, for something just interesting enough so they don't quit.

I don't feel safe at work. Today I had to avoid a panic attack when someone asked me to use the the phone to call someone I didn't know about something I wasn't familiar with. I don't use the phone. At least, when I plan to use the phone I rationalise all possibilities, big myself up (not a euphemism), and practice before taking the plunge. I can now call the doctor with very little anxiety and forethought. Sometimes I need to find someone in the office and give them a message. That's not too much to ask because I'm familiar with the premise and probable results. No, work is not safe.

If somehow I had the wherewithal to run my own business, things might be easier because they would be expected and on my terms and I would rarely have to depend on others to guide me. I'm not saying this is a thought shared by fellow Aspies, but it might be an emotion shared by them.

My Friends Don't Like Their Friends

I'm not entirely sure whether this is an Aspie/NT issue, or just an issue with the people I know. I lean towards the former, since it's with more than one social group. Some of my friends do not like the people they call friends.

Now, I think that's odd: to socialise regularly with someone, converse and have a laugh with them, and still not like them is something I can't understand. I would say there is some male-female divide but although more females have told me about their dislike than males, it is not a clear cut division. When guys don't like each other, they either act civil but mostly ignore the other one, or they are antagonistic and maybe start a fight. It's always worse with girls, or at least I think it is, and is worst with two.

My view of social relationships is that you like your friends. "A bond of mutual affection" is not what I see with some of my friends. Actually, I always saw it and had to be told later that they disliked a particular person. I don't associate with people I don't like. So to hear what my friends to was a bit shocking. Remember I wrote about "Alice"? Soon after she left, another friend told me "I never liked her", which surprised me. On the other hand, the Soaps on TV seem to be full of these relationships. I don't watch them because I don't like them. I don't want them in real life either.

But NTs seem to like these shows, and they seem to live like that. Maybe that's the link.

What You Don't See

Autism is a spectrum, and Asperger Syndrome is said to be on that spectrum (some people think it should be separate, though). Asperger Syndrome is itself a spectrum, ranging from apparently neurotypical, to more obvious high functioning autism (HFA). No matter where a person is on this spectrum, it is entirely possible for them to appear neurotypical (should that be their goal).

There's are the aspies people don't see. To all outward appearances they are 'normal', no matter how they behave at home. These very people may have many internal struggles, or very few. The point is, the ones that society notices are the ones that are not coping with society. A person diagnosed with needing substantial help may still be coping well due to support networks.

But people don't always see what's in front of them. If they don't take an interest, then they might not notice when someone needs support. I suppose the purpose of this post is really to say that even Aspies who appear to be coping might like some support. When I first left for university, to live away from home for the first time, I felt overwhelmed. When I think of the responsibilities of living in a property where nothing is provided, where I'd have to sort out gas, electric, internet, and any other bills, I'm not sure how I'd cope.

I'm not saying I think I need support (I don't even know if I would qualify), but I know I would be happier. I suppose the emotional support provided by a spouse would be more than enough. I would classify my problems as small, and may be experienced by NTs, but I still struggle more than NTs without practice (or training). I can now make a short phonecall without mapping out all of the conversational possibilities and coming up with responses. I might still hesitate, and of course I call on my bank of stock telephone phrases.

I can only speak for myself, but I find that I am able to behave more neurotypical when around NTs (see The Appearance of Ego). What I am careful of people not to see (except maybe my parents), are these inequities. However, my fear of engaging strangers in conversation is still a sticking point for me. I don't want to be coddled, I would like some support, but I don't want people to see me struggle.

Reading "Watching The English"

Reading this book I almost get the same levels of clarity and revelation as I did when I first seriously researched Asperger Syndrome. I'm only partway through Kate Fox's anthropological study of my home people, and already I'm seeing things I've observed myself, but more importantly I'm learning things that could be useful.

Of course, most people out there are not English (which is unfortunate for them), so this book loses quite a lot of relevance. But I do think an outside view of customs and rituals can be very helpful for those who don't instinctively know them. So far, I have noticed a few differences between the observations in her book and my observations of my immediate social group. It could be generational, but even if it isn't it's still generally true. It's a good read.

"Will You Miss Me?"

I had some ask me that recently, and I didn't have nearly enough time to evaluate my feelings and decide how to express them. When a friend leaves, it's certainly a change, especially when you've known this person for a long time. My friend, let's call her Alice, is leaving the area with no intention to return any time soon. It's not thousands of miles like it could be in America, but it's still a bitch of a commute.

I think the honest answer would be no, I wouldn't miss Alice, in strict interpretation. I think that 'missing' someone implies a feeling of loss, a bit of mourning, and a general sad feeling. You may think it's my response is somewhat robotic, a little Spockian, but that makes it no less genuine. I would prefer it if she stayed. I like life how it is, and she's part of that.

I have invested vast amounts of time building this friendship over seven years. There have been a few down moments, but I think that made it stronger. I have a strong emotional attachment to her. However, her leaving will not directly affect me. She will not be available to come on nights out, I can't go to a coffee shop with her, we can't have a mooch around town. These are events which I enjoy, but won't happen, and I don't feel I will particularly lament their absence. We will absolutely still talk online, and I'm sure if my generation used phones to call people, we'd do that occasionally too.

But I don't like change (not that most people do). I won't like the fact that we can't do these things, but I won't be genuinely sad. I know this because I had another friend move away a few years ago. I could have said goodbye at the airport, but it was an early flight and I was asleep. Again, this is a friend who I really enjoyed spending time with, and now I sometimes think it would be nice to meet up again. I can't, the main reason is the trip would probably cost me close to a month's wages, and I think Japan would freak me out.

I think what I said is that I wouldn't like not having her around. I will not miss Alice: I will miss the social interactions. I can still talk to her, so it's not that bad. Either that's a bonus of being Aspie, or I'm just a guy...

In Case Of Emergency, [Unexpected Error]

I have said before that new situations are difficult for me, but generally they are only partly new, with some base in behaviour I know. When things happen that are completely alien, I have no clue what to do, so I often do nothing. This has happened a few times in my life and I'm going to list a few, starting with the least significant.

Of course you, the reader, don't know me, but those who do know that I am always articulate, have a wealth of information ,and a counterpoint to every argument. This is all true within the normal realms of conversation. But very occasionally, someone will ask a question which I have never had to think about before (possibly of a personal nature).
In these situations, it's like the wires aren't connected, the file's not found, there's nothing behind Door Number One. My mouth goes to form a word, then... nothing. This has happened possibly 3 times. As a side, the most awkward of these situations was a guy asking me if I would date his girlfriend given the chance, while she was standing there.

I once observed a man stumbling down the street with the weirdest gait I've seen. He was quite a way ahead of me when he fell down, and there were people around him to see what was the matter. In fact, a car stopped to see if any assistance was needed. He waved them off, got up, and carried on his way.
He made it about 100ft before he fell again and there were still people around who could help him up. He waved them off too. As I passed the would-be helpers I hear them say they could "smell it on his breath". I didn't know the guy, but I had been a little concerned, maybe he'd been hit by a car, I don't know. I assumed he was drunk, but that's not really a good state to be in by the roadside.
Next time he fell, I was the closest person to him, but I didn't rush to his aid when he fell, I just carried on at normal speed and went straight past him. Was that the best thing to do? I don't know, but neither did I know what needed to be done.

I rank this higher, because it affects someone I know. A friend informed me that one of their parents was quite ill - hospital grade ill. I've had very few hospital related incidents in my life, so I really didn't know how severe it was. Either way, I though I should be a supportive, or at least well-meaning friend.
But what does one do in that situation? Are you supposed to say "wow, that really sucks" in sad tones? Are you supposed to do the whole "If there's anything you need..." spiel? I'm pretty sure about this one but are you supposed to inquire as to the nature and fatality of the 'illness'?
I settled for the "Hope they get better" with a follow up some time later. I just hope they recognised that I'm not good at this and took heart that I cared.

The final incident I'll describe you may possibly think is the most heinous, but remember I was (and possibly still am) poorly equipped in all necessary aspects to deal with the situation.
I was at home one day, and since it was a nice day, had the window open. I heard the clatter of a ladder and an 'argh!' from through the window. I had a look, but could see nothing, and without going house to house, had no way of knowing where it came from. Yes, I did think he might be injured, but I didn't here any further commotion, so I put it to the back of my mind feeling a little bit guilty, but assuring myself that it was more likely that her was fine.
I later found out that it was a workman working on a house while the owners were out. He fell off his ladder and injured his spine. The ambulance crew took him away. From what I heard, he recovered with no serious complaints. But it must have been a few hours before he was discovered, and I can rationalise away my behaviour, or I can blame myself, but I felt I would have some kind of meltdown if I tried to help, and that's not helpful.


These are situations where I felt I could do nothing, or didn't know how to act. I've said the best way to deal with this is to practice, but I don't want to practice these.

(Awkward) Silences

People say they don't like awkward silences, and that's fair, but I think the term 'awkward' is often misapplied. When an inappropriate comment is made in public conversation, it is called an awkward silence. When two people are waiting for, or are in, a lift and they don't talk, it is called an awkward silence. If someone holds your gaze for an extended period of time, that's awkward too.

But why they are awkward has always puzzled me. In the case of the lift (or elevator, for US occupants), my view is that I don't know this person, and there is no immediate need to speak to this person, so I don't. I have talked to an NT about this, who said that it seemed odd that people wouldn't talk to each other considering that we are all part of the human experience.

We are all people, yes, but where in society does it say that we must engage everyone we see in conversation? Perhaps society would be a friendlier, if noisier, place for this, but it would be less functional. The fact that NTs feel uncomfortable in silence is something they might want to look at. Perhaps it goes back to the fact that NTs try to read signs that aren't there and Aspies just don't read the signs. Maybe the NTs aren't picking up a vibe from the stranger next to them, or across the room from them, so feel unsure about the situation. Maybe people with AS are oblivious to the awkward feeling from the other party, so don't reciprocate it.

I'm still a little confused about it, but I don't feel the need to talk to people in order to break the silence. If their discomfort at no conversation is too much and they need to converse, I can overcome my discomfort with small talk to make them feel at ease. Usually, it's quite concise and results in silence, but a silence in which all parties concerned feel somewhat at ease.

Being On Time, And The Inherent Anxiety

I have to be on time. It's not a choice, it is an absolute state for me. Of course being on time is important for work and interviews and such, but I can't let it stop there.

That is where one part of the problem lies. The other part is the sheer anxiety I feel when I need to be somewhere at a specific time. I plan my route, I know arrival and departure times of any public transport, I know transit time, and I factor in time for unseen delays. And 99.9% of the time, I am on time or early. Thinking about it rationally, the repercussions of being late are astronomically minor. Okay, if I'm late to a job interview it might harm my chances, but I don't have those often. I can assure myself that I can get there an hour early, and even if there is a major transport incident, I could still get there with time to spare. All variables taken care of.

But there is still that nervous energy that makes me pace, clench my fists, grind my teeth, tap my fingers, and just generally stress out. The other part I mentioned is that I let it leak into other parts of my life, like meeting friends for a drink. "Oh meet at 8 o'clock? Yeah, I'll see you then." Then be there at 8 o'clock! It's not that hard. This is where I get a bit Aspie. Even if they said meet at about a given time, I always arrive on the dot, and expect them to. I've become used to the fact that very few people care as much as I do about being on time. I say that that specific trait is Aspie, because a few sources talk about the AS view of justice. If I abide by the these (albeit self inflicted) rules, then so should every one else. But they don't, and I've got used to it.

But I am still always on time.

The Trial of Shopping

People with Asperger’s are not necessarily good at social interactions. I’m no exception. When a Neurotypical goes down to the shops, they may engage the cashier or other customers in pleasantries and chitchat. When I go to the shops, and I only go to the shops if I vitally need something, I don’t engage anyone in ‘meaningless’ talk.

The way I view the world affects the way I interact with it, which I think is true for us all. I perceive a need – for food, clothes, whatever – so I must go to a place where I can acquire these things. When I’m there I get what I need, then go to pay. This is a simple transaction where I perform my function of customer and the cashier performs the function of enabling this purchase. Maybe you’ll see some similarities with yourself there…

On an intellectual level, I am aware that the other person is not simply a function, and they very well may want a way to alleviate the monotony of their day. I also understand that pleasantries and chatter are an important part of social bonding, and even though I will probably never befriend this worker, it’s nice and polite. However, as is often the case, the emotional side of my brain – the side of my brain to which I attribute my anxieties and aspie-isms – wants to take over, it wants to get this done and dusted as quickly as possible.

So I use stock phrases, watch the weather, and try not to be oblivious of current events. I’ve been told that small talk is the social grease, and although I don’t necessarily feel the benefits of it, it gives the illusion of being ‘normal’. It’s a shame, but some NTs might feel awkward around people who don’t conform, and an uncomfortable NT may be more difficult to interact with. So when someone says to me “it’s a right cold patch we’re having isn’t it?”, I don’t just say “yes” and move on, I try to say something like “well I hear it will get better by Monday”. Just that small stock sentence may illicit a smile from the other party, because there is that expected bit of social grease that tells them they’re not dealing with a psychopath, oddball, or any other type of weirdo. Okay, I still often come across as socially awkward by dint of inflection or odd pause lengths in conversation, but they appreciate it. Think of it like speaking bad French to a Frenchman – he might pick up on it, but will appreciate you trying.