I Had A Friend

I have a friend. I had a friend. Had. Have. Definitions...

In Primary School, at age 4 or 5, I met new people. Some of these people I would never see again after High School, some never after Sixth Form. Most of the children/people I met there have just faded out of my life over the years. Either circumstances changed, or neither of us made the effort. It happens to everyone. When I went to university, I found that one friend was a friend of convenience, and we never spoke after that. One friend was a school friend. Another a friend of a friend, who stopped beings friends with that friend. These are reasons I can understand. There are situations though, that I cannot even comprehend.

A friend I knew from the age of 4, grew up with, was friends with, played online with, ate with, was in a band with, stopped communicating with me after 18 years. Meeting up every other week, talking regularly, then nothing. No thing. We knew eachother's custom sandwich order, guys. Our pets recognised the other. Excommunicated. I found out he was getting married by chance on social media.

And the question is "Why?". Some people would have asked that, and having found no satisfactory answer, moved on. But what is necessary is closure. And for an obsessive such as myself, that is difficult. To assert and accept that a large part of your history, even your identity, wants nothing to do with you. To say to yourself, and mean it, that this person has no effect on you. It is not a loss like a death. Death is a circumstance, a fate, that forcefully parts people. There is no choice. My lack of comprehension is that of the choice.

It may not have been one choice. It may have been a thousand little choices, drops in the ocean. But an ocean is made of drops. But here it is now. I still feel a friendship towards, but not from.

I've read that NT relationships are formed and maintained by consistent and regular positive emotions. I agree with the forming of the forming idea, but not the maintaining. That theory implies a jug of water with a hole in it. You need to keep refilling or the water will drain. Are NTs really like that? My jug has no hole. To extend the metaphor, the only way to empty my jug is by human action, but scooping the water out or by knocking the jug over. (as a side, I could try and link this metaphor with "a glass half full" optimism when it comes to personal relationships. I always seem to care more than they do.)

Without two people to hold this jug, it's getting pretty heavy. I'd hope that someone would come and empty it, or help me carry it. But neither of those is likely. A sad note, but everyone needs to vent once in a while.

Horror Films and Fear

I am rarely scared by a horror film. I don't often watch them, but when I do, I'm rarely scared. Of course the heart-racer shock killer behind you moments gets me, but it's just shock. And as for gore films, they are as amusing as old films with then state of the art effects which now pale in comparison to what a six-year-old could do on a tablet. Straight horror films bore me.

But I've never wanted to be scared. I was telling this to an NT and there was proof how well they knew me. I said I didn't see the point of trying to scare yourself. The response was along these lines: you're an Aspie, and as such the world is a little scarier for you than NTs, so why would you try to relax by feeling unsafe? You probably like safe and happy films the most, probably RomComs.

Probably about 5% of my (vast) film collection is classified as RomCom. But some of the other films I have have romantic themes, or at least romantic aspects. That still only raises them to maybe 10%. That compares to almost 25% Sci-Fi & Fantasy. That doesn't change the facts though: I like them not only for their predictability (there are only two main plot variations), but because of the happy and safe feeling.

Why seek out fear? Thrills, yes. Excitement, yes. But actual shake you fear? No thanks. I've been scared before, and I will be again, and I won't choose it, it will be thrust upon me. If I can control my world, I want it to be a happy place. Always.

Emotional Triggers

A more personal as opposed to general post today, but this is about how certain things can trigger emotional reactions or even irrational attacks. Certain physical stimuli can cause Aspie meltdowns, which I'm not prone to, and others can create intense emotional responses.

Earlier, I wasn't feeling particularly top notch, and something (I don't particularly want to enter in to that) made me quite sad. If I were to encounter this trigger on a day when I felt my normal self, I would not necessarily have a response with such magnitude. This is true also, I believe, with meltdowns. Myself, I seem to get a balance of good and bad.

Somewhat like with manic-depression, I get lows and highs. Different triggers at different times elicit different responses. I call them triggers, but they could be once only occurrences. Music has a great effect on me, and it can be a cause of great emotion in me. Music usually called 'sad' has a very calming effect on me when I am at an emotional low. If I am in a receptive mood, some pieces of music can even elate me (try this). But then again, I really feel the music.

I am aware that music can be used in therapies, to calm, or help treat people. I'm not saying I disagree, but think of it like this:

Add 3 and -3 and you get 0. That's logic (actually it's mathematics, but bear with me). Emotions have zero base in reason, so while you can try to add sad to happy, but it might not equal normality. The best option is to gradually slide from one to the other, not try and jump too far.