I Had A Friend

I have a friend. I had a friend. Had. Have. Definitions...

In Primary School, at age 4 or 5, I met new people. Some of these people I would never see again after High School, some never after Sixth Form. Most of the children/people I met there have just faded out of my life over the years. Either circumstances changed, or neither of us made the effort. It happens to everyone. When I went to university, I found that one friend was a friend of convenience, and we never spoke after that. One friend was a school friend. Another a friend of a friend, who stopped beings friends with that friend. These are reasons I can understand. There are situations though, that I cannot even comprehend.

A friend I knew from the age of 4, grew up with, was friends with, played online with, ate with, was in a band with, stopped communicating with me after 18 years. Meeting up every other week, talking regularly, then nothing. No thing. We knew eachother's custom sandwich order, guys. Our pets recognised the other. Excommunicated. I found out he was getting married by chance on social media.

And the question is "Why?". Some people would have asked that, and having found no satisfactory answer, moved on. But what is necessary is closure. And for an obsessive such as myself, that is difficult. To assert and accept that a large part of your history, even your identity, wants nothing to do with you. To say to yourself, and mean it, that this person has no effect on you. It is not a loss like a death. Death is a circumstance, a fate, that forcefully parts people. There is no choice. My lack of comprehension is that of the choice.

It may not have been one choice. It may have been a thousand little choices, drops in the ocean. But an ocean is made of drops. But here it is now. I still feel a friendship towards, but not from.

I've read that NT relationships are formed and maintained by consistent and regular positive emotions. I agree with the forming of the forming idea, but not the maintaining. That theory implies a jug of water with a hole in it. You need to keep refilling or the water will drain. Are NTs really like that? My jug has no hole. To extend the metaphor, the only way to empty my jug is by human action, but scooping the water out or by knocking the jug over. (as a side, I could try and link this metaphor with "a glass half full" optimism when it comes to personal relationships. I always seem to care more than they do.)

Without two people to hold this jug, it's getting pretty heavy. I'd hope that someone would come and empty it, or help me carry it. But neither of those is likely. A sad note, but everyone needs to vent once in a while.

"Why Don't You Smile More?"

I was once asked the question “Why don’t you smile more?”. It wasn’t out of the blue, or accusatory, I believe it was out of genuine curiosity when I refused to smile at something amusing. And I thank the person for asking me this question; not at the time, though, because I didn’t have an answer then. My recent hiatus from posting here has coincided with a period of self-analysis, or what you might call “finding oneself”, so I feel more able to answer that question.

My natural reaction to something amusing or funny, or something that makes me happy is, like any human, to smile. It’s intrinsic, we’re born to it, we don’t have a choice. But of course we can control the muscles in our face (at least the major ones), so it is possible to restrain a smile once it has started. So that’s what I was doing, and that’s what got noticed. A side note: something that supports the left-brain right-brain theory is that I smile predominantly with the left side of my face, which is connected to the more emotional and less logical right side of the brain. That’s what people were presented with when I tried to hide a smile: the slight extension of the left of my mouth and a bit of a squint. Charming.

The question you might be asking is why. It’s nothing to do with social acceptability, or even the tribal instinct for group acceptance and positive reinforcement. If fact, it’s the opposite of smiling for safety, it’s ‘not smiling’ for safety. It stems from the sad thought that opening up emotionally will not only let in good feelings, but bad ones. This has some scientific basis, but is not the way to a healthy life.

Negative experience (negative feedback) is a much stronger behaviour modifier than positive feedback. So the desire not the experience a negative is greater than the desire to feel a positive. Here, drink this – it’s either vanilla or earwax flavour. Do you drink it? The optimistic would say yes, but the realist and the pessimist would say no (the pragmatist would probably say yes, because no matter what it was, it was a free glass that he could fill with something else). I suppose as examples go, there are better... Either way, I didn’t smile, so I didn’t open myself up to negative emotions.

But that doesn’t work. Take an umbrella so you don’t get wet. Oh, you stepped in a puddle? Take waterproof socks and trousers. That’s silly, and I don’t use that word lightly.

What am I saying…? Don’t wear an emotional dry-suit. And smile more, it makes you happy. Science said so.

Emotional Triggers

A more personal as opposed to general post today, but this is about how certain things can trigger emotional reactions or even irrational attacks. Certain physical stimuli can cause Aspie meltdowns, which I'm not prone to, and others can create intense emotional responses.

Earlier, I wasn't feeling particularly top notch, and something (I don't particularly want to enter in to that) made me quite sad. If I were to encounter this trigger on a day when I felt my normal self, I would not necessarily have a response with such magnitude. This is true also, I believe, with meltdowns. Myself, I seem to get a balance of good and bad.

Somewhat like with manic-depression, I get lows and highs. Different triggers at different times elicit different responses. I call them triggers, but they could be once only occurrences. Music has a great effect on me, and it can be a cause of great emotion in me. Music usually called 'sad' has a very calming effect on me when I am at an emotional low. If I am in a receptive mood, some pieces of music can even elate me (try this). But then again, I really feel the music.

I am aware that music can be used in therapies, to calm, or help treat people. I'm not saying I disagree, but think of it like this:

Add 3 and -3 and you get 0. That's logic (actually it's mathematics, but bear with me). Emotions have zero base in reason, so while you can try to add sad to happy, but it might not equal normality. The best option is to gradually slide from one to the other, not try and jump too far.