Finding The One, or Just Someone

Despite my respite from posting, I intend to keep this short. I am starting to read a new book (Asperger Meets Girl) and before I got into it, I had some thoughts.

One problem people with an ASD claim to have is an inability to flirt. However, I have the inability to not flirt. I learned my behaviour by watching others and have been told I can be quite flirtatious. Why am I bragging? I'm not.

I lack the emotional and physiological detection skills to determine personal interest from polite interest. I cannot recognise when I'm being hit on unless I can see the checklist of signs. I, and many other A spies and Auties, must learn a) to recognise how and when to flirt, and b) when the hell someone is doing it back.

I've said previously about an anthropology book on the English, and it was useful. If you are struggling, find something which translate innate knowledge into rules and observations. It will help. I read a recent article about an airline helping autistic children understand and be comfortable with air travel. I am only aware of one place that teaches social skills, and more importantly inter-gender skills, in an ASD designed way. I'm not talking about biology, but psychology. Of course, courses and societies exist that are designed to get your designs. Adult learning for adult interactions.

I'm not interested. Occasionally I have considered making my voice heard, coming out of the very safe and decidedly neat Aspie cupboard because these resources either do not exist or a poorly advertised.

Horror Films and Fear

I am rarely scared by a horror film. I don't often watch them, but when I do, I'm rarely scared. Of course the heart-racer shock killer behind you moments gets me, but it's just shock. And as for gore films, they are as amusing as old films with then state of the art effects which now pale in comparison to what a six-year-old could do on a tablet. Straight horror films bore me.

But I've never wanted to be scared. I was telling this to an NT and there was proof how well they knew me. I said I didn't see the point of trying to scare yourself. The response was along these lines: you're an Aspie, and as such the world is a little scarier for you than NTs, so why would you try to relax by feeling unsafe? You probably like safe and happy films the most, probably RomComs.

Probably about 5% of my (vast) film collection is classified as RomCom. But some of the other films I have have romantic themes, or at least romantic aspects. That still only raises them to maybe 10%. That compares to almost 25% Sci-Fi & Fantasy. That doesn't change the facts though: I like them not only for their predictability (there are only two main plot variations), but because of the happy and safe feeling.

Why seek out fear? Thrills, yes. Excitement, yes. But actual shake you fear? No thanks. I've been scared before, and I will be again, and I won't choose it, it will be thrust upon me. If I can control my world, I want it to be a happy place. Always.

Stimming

When it comes to dealing with anxiety, there are a few things you can try in order to lessen those feelings. However, when in stressful situations, I have found that I 'stim'.

It's not a phrase I applied to myself until recently, and it does apply. Similar to with OCD, it is the performance of repetitive actions, but this time in a more mentally healthy way. It is a calming action that is repeated when stressed. What is most often quoted is children with AS spinning in circles, but apparently can include intellectual pursuits or precision tasks.

Personally, my stimming mostly manifests itself in the form of wiggling the toes on my left foot. This is for just above base level anxiety, and I do find it helps me keep calm. It's nearly subconscious now, so that by the time I realise something is stressing me, I am already trying to deal with it. If I'm sat up, my leg jiggles, which draws attention, but not much, and it does it's job. For increased levels of stress (and nervous energy), I shake my right hand like I'm playing an invisible tambourine, or tap a surface really fast for a long period of time.

It works to bring down, or reign in, anxiety levels.I'm not saying it's a 'healthy habit', but I am saying it can help, especially in some social situation.

A Step Back

I like to think that I'm acting more NT more easily over time, but today I found myself doing something I hate. I have always said I'm least at ease when I'm in a new situation and I don't know the protocol - that's when the anxiety kicks in. Today I avoided the anxiety by giving in to the sociophobia.


Somebody asked me to do something I'd never done before, and I couldn't push myself to do it. I need to figure out how to overcome this...

Big Worries

Normally, I worry about things that other think of as small and insignificant, and they cause me anxiety. Occasionally, I think about the future, and what it might have in store. Now most people do this from time to time, and probably see something they like, or something they can work towards. I have a pretty firm idea of how I want my life to be a few years down the line, and I know it's not (massively) unrealistic.

I genuinely would like to marry and have kids. However, I know that AS is genetic, and a major worry for me is that I will produce children on the severe end of the spectrum. You may think me callous, or mean, or whatever, but I don't have severe AS, and I can find the world challenging enough. True, I may not carry 'the Asperger gene', but I am also unaware of any studies done into the matter.
I don't think it would stop me, and it wouldn't change how I felt if my kids were further along the spectrum, but the part of me that seems designed to be anxious flares up at this.
I realise this is a hurdle to be overcome if and when I get there.

The bigger worries are always the emotional worries, and not the intellectual ones. Perhaps this is because I feel I can apply logic and rationality to non-emotional issues. Getting a job, for example. I am a student at the moment and I know that I need a job in order to fund living. However, I don't seem to assign getting a job much significance. Finding emotional fulfilment, on the other hand, is a high priority. I told an NT once that I would be absolutely fine with being a social drop-out, as long as I was happy. This was not met well. I'm not seriously considering disregarding my education and prospects, but I felt it expressed how I felt, that almost paradox: what I want most (almost to exclusivity) is emotional stability/welbeing, but it seems more difficult to get, and employment (sure we're in a recession) which is less difficult with a science degree, holds no immediate draw. I know aspies and NTs may feel this alike.

The Appearance of Ego

I think I have low self-confidence. It may have something to do with social anxiety, pessimism, and slight perfectionism. I have to put on a show, the appearance of ego when I'm in social situations. Throw some bravado in there for good measure.

Of course, we all have an ego, super-ego, and id. I'm referring to being egotistical, a somewhat alpha-male behaviour. I find that I act like an alpha-male when in a social group, probably to hide my insecurities, and to satisfy my need for control. Underneath I'm running hot - taking in lots of data, trying to interpret it as best as possible, and deliver a suitable response. For me, alpha behaviour is easier to mimic. Then, any misunderstandings in conversation or body-language can be dismissed as fault of the other person. I'm the boss round here, so it must be your fault. Any slight to that image of egotism is dismissed or redirected. Bitch, I'm awesome. As far as I can tell, it works.

It's all based on analysis and thinking though. Perhaps acting confident makes you confident, something psychosomatic, somewhat like the placebo effect. It's the only logical conclusion: I'm acting confident, people think I'm confident, I must be confident. And it works... in social situations.

When I'm alone, it's a different story altogether. Recently I was at a jobs fair, an event where students wander round the space and talk to prospective employers. The thing is, I don't have the confidence to talk to them, and even if I do, what a first impression I'd make. If I knew the social protocols, it might be better, more like a visit to the shops. It could be a control issue, and not knowing the possible outcomes.

I just need a way to give the appearance of ego in unfamiliar situations...

Hypervigilance

It is common for Aspies to suffer from hypervigilance, a state where all those fight-or-flight mechanisms are running hot. It is a state most often associated with post traumatic stress disorder. I am somewhat hypervigilant, either as a symptom of constant higher stress/adrenaline levels, or one of many causes of it.

I have yet to find a suitable coping or prevention mechanism, but I would assume that by reducing my anxiety level, switching to the sympathetic nervous system, relaxing, the hypervigilance would abate.

When there is an unexpected noise, not even a loud noise, my heart rate picks up almost before I hear it. Unless I can readily identify the cause and source, I have the urge to investigate. If I'm listening to the radio and hear people outside, I will mute the radio and listen often until they're gone. When I hear a human noise at night, despite my best efforts, my heart jumps and I find it harder to sleep. When I was younger, I used to immediately check a new place for exits and cameras, in case something happened. I know it isn't at all severe, I'm not paranoid, and I'm not afraid, but it is still there, and it affects me.

How do I deal with it? I don't get worried or stressed about hypervigilance for a start. That could possibly compound. Usually, the effects are much less when I'm in a safe environment, but when I'm not, I just identify the sound and source as best as possible and assure myself that there is nothing to worry about. In public spaces, I avoid magnification, a behaviour which looks at the small things, and not the big picture. How many times have I had to make an emergency exit from am imminent threat? None, that I recall. What about at night when I'm away from home? Earplugs. They are unbelievably helpful, trust me. And You can still hear your alarm clock.

It Is Never An Excuse

I have a tendency to want to blame my AS for certain behaviours and shortcomings. This is the wrong way to go about things. When I recognise something I could do better, I try hard to take that on board and improve on it next time. If I make a social faux pas then my obsession over it later can help ensure I don't do it again, or at least less often. If I find myself in a situation where I feel I'm about to lose control, I will examine the situation and try to understand what contributed to my state, and try to avoid or prevent that happening again in the future.

You could look at it in a similar way to overcoming addiction: there is an undesired behaviour which seems so natural, but that you're trying to overcome. You may have relapses occasionally. You may feel down occasionally. What if an alcoholic said the reason, the excuse, for his violence or uncivil behaviour was simply that he was an alcoholic? What if a drug addict said his stealing to support his habit was justified because he was a drug addict? That wouldn't lie. Neither does blaming Aspergers for poor behaviour and bad interactions.

I'm not saying AS is the same as addiction, because it is not. However, to be a happier overall person, it is important to fight every day. I've read that to face the world everyday, people with Aspergers are braver than most. If you let AS rule your life, you are not a worse person, but if you can look at the world as a challenge to be overcome, and strive to better yourself then I'd say yes, that is quite brave. And you can feel better about yourself because of it.

Being On Time, And The Inherent Anxiety

I have to be on time. It's not a choice, it is an absolute state for me. Of course being on time is important for work and interviews and such, but I can't let it stop there.

That is where one part of the problem lies. The other part is the sheer anxiety I feel when I need to be somewhere at a specific time. I plan my route, I know arrival and departure times of any public transport, I know transit time, and I factor in time for unseen delays. And 99.9% of the time, I am on time or early. Thinking about it rationally, the repercussions of being late are astronomically minor. Okay, if I'm late to a job interview it might harm my chances, but I don't have those often. I can assure myself that I can get there an hour early, and even if there is a major transport incident, I could still get there with time to spare. All variables taken care of.

But there is still that nervous energy that makes me pace, clench my fists, grind my teeth, tap my fingers, and just generally stress out. The other part I mentioned is that I let it leak into other parts of my life, like meeting friends for a drink. "Oh meet at 8 o'clock? Yeah, I'll see you then." Then be there at 8 o'clock! It's not that hard. This is where I get a bit Aspie. Even if they said meet at about a given time, I always arrive on the dot, and expect them to. I've become used to the fact that very few people care as much as I do about being on time. I say that that specific trait is Aspie, because a few sources talk about the AS view of justice. If I abide by the these (albeit self inflicted) rules, then so should every one else. But they don't, and I've got used to it.

But I am still always on time.

Anger At Myself

Sometimes I can't help but be frustrated. I can't let things go, I find it difficult to relax, and my social ineptitude can get me down. I don't have anyone to blame, and I don't want anyone to blame. I am the way I am mostly though genetics.

I get angry at myself sometimes when some time later I realise, or it is pointed out, that I may have done something odd, insensitive, or hurtful. It's anger at myself because I was unable to see these flaws, and frustration with myself that I am unable to handle these emotions. I think mostly it's that I am frustrated that I lack the will power to overcome my shortcomings.

Until I can master those, or at least improve upon them, I need to cope with the negative emotions, anxiety and obsession. It's often advised that one should talk about it, thus making it a bit better.  I don't talk to people about my Aspergers much, and I can't always talk to them when I need to, so I try coping strategies.

Coping is using intelligence to find something to distract, or move attention away, from the current situation. When I'm feeling anxious or frustrated, I tend to be overcome with nervous energy and start to pace. This is more of a symptom than a coping strategy. What I do then is sit down, breathe deeply and think logically about the most likely outcomes and the (in)significance of their impact. And this works for a short period of time.

When I'm angry, I have a different coping mechanism which may not be for everyone. I find that an adrenaline filled activity where skill is needed, can completely reduce the feelings of anger. I usually play Modern Warfare 2. Why? It get's my heart rate up, I have to combine sight, hearing, and my brain, and I genuinely care about the outcome. It might help that I'm good at the game, but I don't get the same release when I play other games. Physical exercise like lifting weights or using punchbags doesn't work for me but it might for others.

And for just general stress or obsession, I've found that a walk does me good. There are obviously times when you can't just walk three miles, but I have yet to find something else to help. Well there is one thing, but I haven't tried it much, which is just lying on the floor. I find it very hard to care about things when I'm lying staring at the ceiling. It could just be me though. Whatever works for you I suppose.

The Trial of Shopping

People with Asperger’s are not necessarily good at social interactions. I’m no exception. When a Neurotypical goes down to the shops, they may engage the cashier or other customers in pleasantries and chitchat. When I go to the shops, and I only go to the shops if I vitally need something, I don’t engage anyone in ‘meaningless’ talk.

The way I view the world affects the way I interact with it, which I think is true for us all. I perceive a need – for food, clothes, whatever – so I must go to a place where I can acquire these things. When I’m there I get what I need, then go to pay. This is a simple transaction where I perform my function of customer and the cashier performs the function of enabling this purchase. Maybe you’ll see some similarities with yourself there…

On an intellectual level, I am aware that the other person is not simply a function, and they very well may want a way to alleviate the monotony of their day. I also understand that pleasantries and chatter are an important part of social bonding, and even though I will probably never befriend this worker, it’s nice and polite. However, as is often the case, the emotional side of my brain – the side of my brain to which I attribute my anxieties and aspie-isms – wants to take over, it wants to get this done and dusted as quickly as possible.

So I use stock phrases, watch the weather, and try not to be oblivious of current events. I’ve been told that small talk is the social grease, and although I don’t necessarily feel the benefits of it, it gives the illusion of being ‘normal’. It’s a shame, but some NTs might feel awkward around people who don’t conform, and an uncomfortable NT may be more difficult to interact with. So when someone says to me “it’s a right cold patch we’re having isn’t it?”, I don’t just say “yes” and move on, I try to say something like “well I hear it will get better by Monday”. Just that small stock sentence may illicit a smile from the other party, because there is that expected bit of social grease that tells them they’re not dealing with a psychopath, oddball, or any other type of weirdo. Okay, I still often come across as socially awkward by dint of inflection or odd pause lengths in conversation, but they appreciate it. Think of it like speaking bad French to a Frenchman – he might pick up on it, but will appreciate you trying.