"Why Don't You Smile More?"

I was once asked the question “Why don’t you smile more?”. It wasn’t out of the blue, or accusatory, I believe it was out of genuine curiosity when I refused to smile at something amusing. And I thank the person for asking me this question; not at the time, though, because I didn’t have an answer then. My recent hiatus from posting here has coincided with a period of self-analysis, or what you might call “finding oneself”, so I feel more able to answer that question.

My natural reaction to something amusing or funny, or something that makes me happy is, like any human, to smile. It’s intrinsic, we’re born to it, we don’t have a choice. But of course we can control the muscles in our face (at least the major ones), so it is possible to restrain a smile once it has started. So that’s what I was doing, and that’s what got noticed. A side note: something that supports the left-brain right-brain theory is that I smile predominantly with the left side of my face, which is connected to the more emotional and less logical right side of the brain. That’s what people were presented with when I tried to hide a smile: the slight extension of the left of my mouth and a bit of a squint. Charming.

The question you might be asking is why. It’s nothing to do with social acceptability, or even the tribal instinct for group acceptance and positive reinforcement. If fact, it’s the opposite of smiling for safety, it’s ‘not smiling’ for safety. It stems from the sad thought that opening up emotionally will not only let in good feelings, but bad ones. This has some scientific basis, but is not the way to a healthy life.

Negative experience (negative feedback) is a much stronger behaviour modifier than positive feedback. So the desire not the experience a negative is greater than the desire to feel a positive. Here, drink this – it’s either vanilla or earwax flavour. Do you drink it? The optimistic would say yes, but the realist and the pessimist would say no (the pragmatist would probably say yes, because no matter what it was, it was a free glass that he could fill with something else). I suppose as examples go, there are better... Either way, I didn’t smile, so I didn’t open myself up to negative emotions.

But that doesn’t work. Take an umbrella so you don’t get wet. Oh, you stepped in a puddle? Take waterproof socks and trousers. That’s silly, and I don’t use that word lightly.

What am I saying…? Don’t wear an emotional dry-suit. And smile more, it makes you happy. Science said so.

Avoiding Meltdowns

*All of the below is my opinion at the date of posting.

Meltdowns aren't very nice - I think that's something everyone can agree on.  But if they happen, they happen. So the question is do they have to happen?

Very occasionally will the cause of a meltdown (or shutdown) be one single event, and in these cases I have no advice or experience. Commonly, meltdowns occur after exposure to stressors (a word I am using to encompass any stimulus which causes a stress response), and then are triggered by something - the straw that broke the camel's back. There are a few possibilities when reducing the probability of a meltdown:

• avoid stressors
• reduce the effect of stressors
• avoid triggers

The last of those three is quite possibly the trickiest. It relies on you being able to tell when you are at your likely to meltdown, and isolate yourself from them. I say this is tricky for two reason. First, you have to recognise when you are at your limit. It's a steep learning curve if you can't recognise it, because failing to do so will probably result in that meltdown. Thafatigue, I can recognise that in myself.

The second part is being able to isolate yourself. Isolation in itself is not hard, but if you are in a situation with an abundance of stressors, it may be difficult to remove yourself from that situation. If you are feeling overwhelmed and can escape, then it is likely you've avoided melting down, and you can start recovering from overexposure however you normally do. I'm not saying jump in a sensory deprivation tank, and isolation doesn't necessarily mean be alone, it means go somewhere 'safe'. Unfortunately this might not work, in which case it's necessary to nip it in the bud sooner.

Avoiding stressors varies in feasibility from person to person. You have to identify when and where these occur, and simply cut them out. If the flickering lights in a particular shop are a cause, find a different shop. If the noise of a particular environment, like a construction site, is a cause, find a different route. Hopefully these won't sound like running away from your problems, or over simplistic pseudo-solutions. Hopefully you will be able to see that, to paraphrase English intellectual Cyril Connolly, the avoidance of pain is the beginning of wisdom - a sentiment probably expressed by many people over time. Wisdom doesn't come with age, it comes with experience, and my experience asks me: doesn't it sound wise to avoid bad experiences?*

But what if you can't avoid them? What if you have them thrust upon you? Running away is not the answer, but retreating may be. A retreat is organised and tactical. By retreating from a situation you are taking away the immediate stressor before it can build up to excessive levels, calming yourself, preparing yourself to deal with it, and returning to it with a more resolute (even optimistic) mindset. I'm not prescribing meditation for every minor infraction, but I find some of the principles very effective at reducing the likelihood of a meltdown...

Recently at work, where I operate at a genteel, almost leisurely, pace, I was given much more responsibility. This would interrupt what I saw as my regular duties, and put me in situations I was not comfortable with. Also, I was asked at the last minute to have a personal development type meeting. And also I had to train someone on something. And someone wanted me to check if I had made mistakes in a lot of my work (I hadn't). And I had something very time-sensitive given to me. And I had get something else right because it was being sent to the head of the organisation.

All of this took place in under half an hour, which you may understand put a little bit of pressure on me (if you don't understand why this build to meltdown feelings, don't be afraid to ask in the comments). So I waited until everyone had stopped making demands (while telling myself "calm down, breathe, get through this next minute") and isolated myself in a quiet room. I closed my eyes and took deep breaths, concentrating on nothing else but my breathing for several minutes. I then tried to order the events in my mind into a pattern that was manageable. When I returned, I started work on the first thing, then when I had finished, I started the second thing. Each thing one at a time. It worked out fine.

This may not be applicable to everyone, but it is transferable. If you can, do the wise thing avoid the causes of meltdowns. If you can't, do the wise thing and briefly retreat from them, using any coping mechanisms you have. You don't even have to go anywhere to retreat, just figuratively push the issue to the side for a moment (if you can - I know it's quite difficult with noise-based stimuli). Try not to escalate or magnify the stimuli by focussing on them. So far I haven't covered one contributing factor - fatigye or tiredness. Why? There is only one solution. Sleep.

*Some bad experiences are necessary, but repeated meltdowns are not

Unployment

Unemployment is bad. You don't get money, you don't get social standing, you don't get a sense of accomplishment. But is it? The only thing I disliked about unemployment was the hassle of signing on. Now I'm working and don't like it.

Of course I understand that to get something from the system, I have to put something in to the system, but the disadvantages of unemployment didn't out-weigh the advantages for me.Home was safe. I live with my parents (I'm 21 at the time of writing, by the way) and have rarely been short on funds. I had an active social life, and I think you can guess I liked doing whatever I wanted every day.

But now I have a job. I don't like it because it truly is below my intelligence level - no excitement, no challenge. I've been told nobody likes work. Why? They've settled, as I might do someday, for something just interesting enough so they don't quit.

I don't feel safe at work. Today I had to avoid a panic attack when someone asked me to use the the phone to call someone I didn't know about something I wasn't familiar with. I don't use the phone. At least, when I plan to use the phone I rationalise all possibilities, big myself up (not a euphemism), and practice before taking the plunge. I can now call the doctor with very little anxiety and forethought. Sometimes I need to find someone in the office and give them a message. That's not too much to ask because I'm familiar with the premise and probable results. No, work is not safe.

If somehow I had the wherewithal to run my own business, things might be easier because they would be expected and on my terms and I would rarely have to depend on others to guide me. I'm not saying this is a thought shared by fellow Aspies, but it might be an emotion shared by them.

Do I Have A Learning Disability?

Is this even a question I am ready, or even able, to answer? I don't know. Any autistic syndrome is classified as a disability of varying degree. Do I feel differently towards or about the physically or mentally different? I'd like to think not. But when asked if I believe I have a disability, I pause every single time before saying no.

Yes, I have some social impairment. Yes, I find it more difficult to deal with and identify emotions and associated non-verbal cues. Yes, decisions can be a laborious task. Yes, I might need support in tasks  where others do not. But I still don't want to admit to a disability. Impairment maybe, but nothing else. Why?

I don't have a diagnosis. But that only deflects the question to why I don't try to get one. However true or untrue it may be, I believe there to be a stigma to disabilities, even if it is unconscious. Of course people knowing (or ideally being more generally aware of the prevalence of ASDs) more about Asperger Syndrome might make my and other people's interactions easier. I don't want to be treated differently for something I am, but something I've done. I don't want people to say "he did well, especially for someone like him". I know this is unlikely, but that the ever-present paranoia rearing it's head.

Am I prejudiced against people with mental disabilities? I hope I am not, and I act like I am not. I have treated the mentally handicapped people I've met differently, but I treat different NTs differently based on who they are. Am I prejudiced against myself? I treat myself harder than I treat other people.

Do I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder? Yes. Do I have a disability? Would you judge a fish by it's ability to do calculus?

My Personal Infographic

The classification of Asperger Syndrome can be somewhat difficult. Loose terminology leaves a lot of interpretation, meaning misdiagnoses or no diagnoses. There are generalised lists of what is encompassed on the syndrome, and phrases like "substantial social difficulties". Maybe it's just me and all the other Aspies that don't know what that means.

My point is, every person is different, and they will each have a different mixture of each supposed trait. Of course, being a syndrome means that every Aspie has similar core traits, but the extent to which these are apparent varies.

The Venn diagram above shows how I believe myself to be. The central circle is my experience of Asperger's. The other overlapping areas show what proportion of each has in common. An example, perhaps: I feel anxiety is full encompassed by AS, but social interaction in not fully included. Most people might socialise the entire circle - I only like to socialise the smaller segment. Anxiety is covered under emotions, but emotions don't play a very large part in my life (except anxiety).

Got the hang of it? One more example. Aspie aspects can be confused with OCD. Obsession is big among Aspies, and is linked to compulsion, which can also be related to Aspies. I don't claim to speak for all Aspies, this is just me.

What You Don't See

Autism is a spectrum, and Asperger Syndrome is said to be on that spectrum (some people think it should be separate, though). Asperger Syndrome is itself a spectrum, ranging from apparently neurotypical, to more obvious high functioning autism (HFA). No matter where a person is on this spectrum, it is entirely possible for them to appear neurotypical (should that be their goal).

There's are the aspies people don't see. To all outward appearances they are 'normal', no matter how they behave at home. These very people may have many internal struggles, or very few. The point is, the ones that society notices are the ones that are not coping with society. A person diagnosed with needing substantial help may still be coping well due to support networks.

But people don't always see what's in front of them. If they don't take an interest, then they might not notice when someone needs support. I suppose the purpose of this post is really to say that even Aspies who appear to be coping might like some support. When I first left for university, to live away from home for the first time, I felt overwhelmed. When I think of the responsibilities of living in a property where nothing is provided, where I'd have to sort out gas, electric, internet, and any other bills, I'm not sure how I'd cope.

I'm not saying I think I need support (I don't even know if I would qualify), but I know I would be happier. I suppose the emotional support provided by a spouse would be more than enough. I would classify my problems as small, and may be experienced by NTs, but I still struggle more than NTs without practice (or training). I can now make a short phonecall without mapping out all of the conversational possibilities and coming up with responses. I might still hesitate, and of course I call on my bank of stock telephone phrases.

I can only speak for myself, but I find that I am able to behave more neurotypical when around NTs (see The Appearance of Ego). What I am careful of people not to see (except maybe my parents), are these inequities. However, my fear of engaging strangers in conversation is still a sticking point for me. I don't want to be coddled, I would like some support, but I don't want people to see me struggle.

Getting Turned About

No advice here today as such, but some experience. Other Aspies have meltdowns, or shutdowns, and I can't say I've really experienced this. Sure I had 'tantrums' when I was younger, but nothing I would recognise as a meltdown (but I wasn't diagnosed back them).

What I do get is hard to describe. I get a rush of adrenaline, I know that. This means I feel the need to... do something. Sometimes it means I have to go for a walk, and others it just means I pace and do something that probably looks like a constipated dance. My hands start flapping, but my elbows stay stuck to my sides.

At the same time, I start moving my head a lot and start talking, start repeating, things intended to be reassuring. I usually find something to distract myself with, or I just let it run it's not-so-short course.


I've always thought of myself of almost off the spectrum, but with enough traits to be recognised as having Asperger's Syndrome. But writing this I realise on these rare occasions, anyone could see I'm on the spectrum. But it hasn't happened in public yet.

The Aspergian Brain

I don't profess to be a neuroscientist, or any other brain-studier, so what you read here may not be 100% accurate, but it's what I can pull together about how the difference in 'wiring' produces these different results.

The Frontal Lobe:
I understand that it controls/regulates things such as emotions, some motor skills, impulse control, long term memory, and decision making. Studies into children with AS have found that there is reduced activity in this area when making a decision. This is purely my speculation, but I'm thinking that the further along the spectrum, the less this area reacts. Think Rainman - Raymond was completely unable to determine right from wrong, or to decide his future.

Also, deficiencies (or deviations from the norm) in this area could mean a reduced emotional response or emotional competence. If the neurons aren't firing like those of NTs, then behaviour will be different. Interestingly, the frontal lobes are involved with the sense of humour, and I know that some Aspies are described as lacking in that department. Quite importantly, the area believed to be involved with detecting deception, irony, and sarcasm is in the frontal lobes.

If there is simply a difference in structure, and not a deficiency in brain chemicals, this may explain the single-mindedness - the ability to be completely absorbed , the stubbornness, even the genius. Research into adult Aspergians has found higher levels of protein in the frontal lobes (cerebral cortex). This same difference may also be linked with the difficulty in social interaction. The communication between parts of the brain may be hindered by the different layout or concentration of hormones.

More activity in this region could account for better non-task memory: fact recall.

The Amygdala:
This is supposedly where the emotions are decoded. If they are incorrectly decoded, or the message is misinterpreted at the other end, then I believe that would result in 'emotional incompetence'. As this is also the area that deals with threats and senses. This could explain why some people have sensory overloads: they perceive 'normal' things as threats or as bad things, and this part of the brain takes over, trying to get the body away and possibly warning others (wailing and jerking).

Possibly, the difference in the structure means that people with an ASD could be hyper-vigilant or unable to shut certain things out. The amygdala is in constant contact with the cerebral cortex, and if it thinks there is  danger, it will be sending more messages to the frontal lobes, causing anxiety.

It has also been linked to social emotional processing (empathy).


If anyone with learning or knowledge in this area wishes to contradict me, please do, as this is all speculation based on perfunctory research.

What I Don't Understand

When I talk about things I don't understand, I don't mean Quantum Loop Gravity, Bessel Function proofs, or why the Kardashians are famous. I mean other things that NTs generally don't think about. Think of this post as a few micro-rants after a short hiatus.

The term "Hit and Miss" - these two terms are mutually exclusive, are they not? It is not possible to both miss and hit at the same time. What people mean to say is "sometimes this, sometimes that", or even "occasionally something". Is there no grey area? Just say it's equally likely.

Issues with bare feet - I know we cover up most of the rest of our bodies, but I was told it was poor form to be barefoot around the house in the presence of guests. Why? I only wear socks as shoe liners, and I'd be fine if people wanted to go barefoot around me. Some people ask you remove your shoes, I say it's fine to go one step further.

Um - I seem to have started making this noise to indicate I want to speak. I don't know why, but it's about as annoying to me as upspeak.

Everyone is always awesome - greetings cards are always to your favourite, or a very special person. Everybody who died of a disease was a light in their family's lives and a pillar of the community. There is nothing that expresses the sentiment "We don't really like each other, but it is a social expectation that I do this". This might not be the best idea, but it's a thought. I want to receive a card that states: "We have known each other for the best part of two decades, but we have never been particularly close. However, there exists a bond between us that is difficult to define but could be labelled as friendship. I wish to express my appreciation of this bond, the emotional fulfillment it can provide, and all the times we have enjoyed each other's company in card form. Happy Birthday"

Names of things and ambiguity - today I saw two products by the same manufacturer which had somewhat ambiguous labeling. As I read it, one product implied it refreshed your eyes, and one implied it made them itchy. I do understand of course the purpose of each. And I do really like the English language (most languages for that matter) - some words have multiple meanings and two words can sound the same (yay for puns) - but I don't always know how to process slightly ambiguous statements. Which is possibly why I don't do too well on wordy exam questions...

Big Worries

Normally, I worry about things that other think of as small and insignificant, and they cause me anxiety. Occasionally, I think about the future, and what it might have in store. Now most people do this from time to time, and probably see something they like, or something they can work towards. I have a pretty firm idea of how I want my life to be a few years down the line, and I know it's not (massively) unrealistic.

I genuinely would like to marry and have kids. However, I know that AS is genetic, and a major worry for me is that I will produce children on the severe end of the spectrum. You may think me callous, or mean, or whatever, but I don't have severe AS, and I can find the world challenging enough. True, I may not carry 'the Asperger gene', but I am also unaware of any studies done into the matter.
I don't think it would stop me, and it wouldn't change how I felt if my kids were further along the spectrum, but the part of me that seems designed to be anxious flares up at this.
I realise this is a hurdle to be overcome if and when I get there.

The bigger worries are always the emotional worries, and not the intellectual ones. Perhaps this is because I feel I can apply logic and rationality to non-emotional issues. Getting a job, for example. I am a student at the moment and I know that I need a job in order to fund living. However, I don't seem to assign getting a job much significance. Finding emotional fulfilment, on the other hand, is a high priority. I told an NT once that I would be absolutely fine with being a social drop-out, as long as I was happy. This was not met well. I'm not seriously considering disregarding my education and prospects, but I felt it expressed how I felt, that almost paradox: what I want most (almost to exclusivity) is emotional stability/welbeing, but it seems more difficult to get, and employment (sure we're in a recession) which is less difficult with a science degree, holds no immediate draw. I know aspies and NTs may feel this alike.

Mimicry

People don't often talk about the plus points of Aspergers, like loyalty, honesty, and memory. Some Aspergians become great scientists, musicians, or mathematicians. I find that because I watch people, I mean really watch them, I am able to copy mannerisms, accents, voices.

It's not important, or significant, but it's a talent mixed with a skill which I find amusing, a hobby if you will. I used to be genuinely surprised when other people couldn't do this. But then when I looked at it differently I found commonalities with having AS: I observe others and mimic their mannerisms and pronunciations. This is similar to how I look at my social behaviour: I observe others and mimic their behaviours.

Okay, so I can't bend my voice to sound like everyone, that's just not how the vocal system works. What I can do is hear an accent, copy and interpolate, and reproduce it, and I just know what to do. With some voices, I can actually produce a good facsimile. I can't describe exactly how I do it, but I kind of picture myself as the person I'm imitating.

As with social interactions, this works. Unfortunately, this talent I seem to have for vocal mimicry doesn't exactly map onto other situations. But I'm happy with my little talent - I can speak in 35 accents, and do impressions of at least 10 celebrities. Just one good aspect of being an aspie.

(Awkward) Silences

People say they don't like awkward silences, and that's fair, but I think the term 'awkward' is often misapplied. When an inappropriate comment is made in public conversation, it is called an awkward silence. When two people are waiting for, or are in, a lift and they don't talk, it is called an awkward silence. If someone holds your gaze for an extended period of time, that's awkward too.

But why they are awkward has always puzzled me. In the case of the lift (or elevator, for US occupants), my view is that I don't know this person, and there is no immediate need to speak to this person, so I don't. I have talked to an NT about this, who said that it seemed odd that people wouldn't talk to each other considering that we are all part of the human experience.

We are all people, yes, but where in society does it say that we must engage everyone we see in conversation? Perhaps society would be a friendlier, if noisier, place for this, but it would be less functional. The fact that NTs feel uncomfortable in silence is something they might want to look at. Perhaps it goes back to the fact that NTs try to read signs that aren't there and Aspies just don't read the signs. Maybe the NTs aren't picking up a vibe from the stranger next to them, or across the room from them, so feel unsure about the situation. Maybe people with AS are oblivious to the awkward feeling from the other party, so don't reciprocate it.

I'm still a little confused about it, but I don't feel the need to talk to people in order to break the silence. If their discomfort at no conversation is too much and they need to converse, I can overcome my discomfort with small talk to make them feel at ease. Usually, it's quite concise and results in silence, but a silence in which all parties concerned feel somewhat at ease.

Being On Time, And The Inherent Anxiety

I have to be on time. It's not a choice, it is an absolute state for me. Of course being on time is important for work and interviews and such, but I can't let it stop there.

That is where one part of the problem lies. The other part is the sheer anxiety I feel when I need to be somewhere at a specific time. I plan my route, I know arrival and departure times of any public transport, I know transit time, and I factor in time for unseen delays. And 99.9% of the time, I am on time or early. Thinking about it rationally, the repercussions of being late are astronomically minor. Okay, if I'm late to a job interview it might harm my chances, but I don't have those often. I can assure myself that I can get there an hour early, and even if there is a major transport incident, I could still get there with time to spare. All variables taken care of.

But there is still that nervous energy that makes me pace, clench my fists, grind my teeth, tap my fingers, and just generally stress out. The other part I mentioned is that I let it leak into other parts of my life, like meeting friends for a drink. "Oh meet at 8 o'clock? Yeah, I'll see you then." Then be there at 8 o'clock! It's not that hard. This is where I get a bit Aspie. Even if they said meet at about a given time, I always arrive on the dot, and expect them to. I've become used to the fact that very few people care as much as I do about being on time. I say that that specific trait is Aspie, because a few sources talk about the AS view of justice. If I abide by the these (albeit self inflicted) rules, then so should every one else. But they don't, and I've got used to it.

But I am still always on time.

The Trial of Shopping

People with Asperger’s are not necessarily good at social interactions. I’m no exception. When a Neurotypical goes down to the shops, they may engage the cashier or other customers in pleasantries and chitchat. When I go to the shops, and I only go to the shops if I vitally need something, I don’t engage anyone in ‘meaningless’ talk.

The way I view the world affects the way I interact with it, which I think is true for us all. I perceive a need – for food, clothes, whatever – so I must go to a place where I can acquire these things. When I’m there I get what I need, then go to pay. This is a simple transaction where I perform my function of customer and the cashier performs the function of enabling this purchase. Maybe you’ll see some similarities with yourself there…

On an intellectual level, I am aware that the other person is not simply a function, and they very well may want a way to alleviate the monotony of their day. I also understand that pleasantries and chatter are an important part of social bonding, and even though I will probably never befriend this worker, it’s nice and polite. However, as is often the case, the emotional side of my brain – the side of my brain to which I attribute my anxieties and aspie-isms – wants to take over, it wants to get this done and dusted as quickly as possible.

So I use stock phrases, watch the weather, and try not to be oblivious of current events. I’ve been told that small talk is the social grease, and although I don’t necessarily feel the benefits of it, it gives the illusion of being ‘normal’. It’s a shame, but some NTs might feel awkward around people who don’t conform, and an uncomfortable NT may be more difficult to interact with. So when someone says to me “it’s a right cold patch we’re having isn’t it?”, I don’t just say “yes” and move on, I try to say something like “well I hear it will get better by Monday”. Just that small stock sentence may illicit a smile from the other party, because there is that expected bit of social grease that tells them they’re not dealing with a psychopath, oddball, or any other type of weirdo. Okay, I still often come across as socially awkward by dint of inflection or odd pause lengths in conversation, but they appreciate it. Think of it like speaking bad French to a Frenchman – he might pick up on it, but will appreciate you trying.

Post Zero

Asperger Syndrome is something a small percentage of the world's population has to live with, and there are a few publications which aim to help those people. More literature exists to help parents 'deal' with aspie kids, or to help Neurotypicals understand Aspies. Hopefully this blog, detailing my experiences, will help, or at least amuse, other young Aspie adults.

Hi, I have mild Asperger Syndrome, or a combination of other conditions that present themselves indistinguishable from it. I will be posting my frustrations and any ways I find to deal with them.