I had some ask me that recently, and I didn't have nearly enough time to evaluate my feelings and decide how to express them. When a friend leaves, it's certainly a change, especially when you've known this person for a long time. My friend, let's call her Alice, is leaving the area with no intention to return any time soon. It's not thousands of miles like it could be in America, but it's still a bitch of a commute.
I think the honest answer would be no, I wouldn't miss Alice, in strict interpretation. I think that 'missing' someone implies a feeling of loss, a bit of mourning, and a general sad feeling. You may think it's my response is somewhat robotic, a little Spockian, but that makes it no less genuine. I would prefer it if she stayed. I like life how it is, and she's part of that.
I have invested vast amounts of time building this friendship over seven years. There have been a few down moments, but I think that made it stronger. I have a strong emotional attachment to her. However, her leaving will not directly affect me. She will not be available to come on nights out, I can't go to a coffee shop with her, we can't have a mooch around town. These are events which I enjoy, but won't happen, and I don't feel I will particularly lament their absence. We will absolutely still talk online, and I'm sure if my generation used phones to call people, we'd do that occasionally too.
But I don't like change (not that most people do). I won't like the fact that we can't do these things, but I won't be genuinely sad. I know this because I had another friend move away a few years ago. I could have said goodbye at the airport, but it was an early flight and I was asleep. Again, this is a friend who I really enjoyed spending time with, and now I sometimes think it would be nice to meet up again. I can't, the main reason is the trip would probably cost me close to a month's wages, and I think Japan would freak me out.
I think what I said is that I wouldn't like not having her around. I will not miss Alice: I will miss the social interactions. I can still talk to her, so it's not that bad. Either that's a bonus of being Aspie, or I'm just a guy...
22 Jul 2012
14 Jul 2012
Getting Turned About
No advice here today as such, but some experience. Other Aspies have meltdowns, or shutdowns, and I can't say I've really experienced this. Sure I had 'tantrums' when I was younger, but nothing I would recognise as a meltdown (but I wasn't diagnosed back them).
What I do get is hard to describe. I get a rush of adrenaline, I know that. This means I feel the need to... do something. Sometimes it means I have to go for a walk, and others it just means I pace and do something that probably looks like a constipated dance. My hands start flapping, but my elbows stay stuck to my sides.
At the same time, I start moving my head a lot and start talking, start repeating, things intended to be reassuring. I usually find something to distract myself with, or I just let it run it's not-so-short course.
I've always thought of myself of almost off the spectrum, but with enough traits to be recognised as having Asperger's Syndrome. But writing this I realise on these rare occasions, anyone could see I'm on the spectrum. But it hasn't happened in public yet.
What I do get is hard to describe. I get a rush of adrenaline, I know that. This means I feel the need to... do something. Sometimes it means I have to go for a walk, and others it just means I pace and do something that probably looks like a constipated dance. My hands start flapping, but my elbows stay stuck to my sides.
At the same time, I start moving my head a lot and start talking, start repeating, things intended to be reassuring. I usually find something to distract myself with, or I just let it run it's not-so-short course.
I've always thought of myself of almost off the spectrum, but with enough traits to be recognised as having Asperger's Syndrome. But writing this I realise on these rare occasions, anyone could see I'm on the spectrum. But it hasn't happened in public yet.
3 Jul 2012
In Case Of Emergency, [Unexpected Error]
I have said before that new situations are difficult for me, but generally they are only partly new, with some base in behaviour I know. When things happen that are completely alien, I have no clue what to do, so I often do nothing. This has happened a few times in my life and I'm going to list a few, starting with the least significant.
Of course you, the reader, don't know me, but those who do know that I am always articulate, have a wealth of information ,and a counterpoint to every argument. This is all true within the normal realms of conversation. But very occasionally, someone will ask a question which I have never had to think about before (possibly of a personal nature).
In these situations, it's like the wires aren't connected, the file's not found, there's nothing behind Door Number One. My mouth goes to form a word, then... nothing. This has happened possibly 3 times.
As a side, the most awkward of these situations was a guy asking me if I would date his girlfriend given the chance, while she was standing there.
I once observed a man stumbling down the street with the weirdest gait I've seen. He was quite a way ahead of me when he fell down, and there were people around him to see what was the matter. In fact, a car stopped to see if any assistance was needed. He waved them off, got up, and carried on his way.
He made it about 100ft before he fell again and there were still people around who could help him up. He waved them off too. As I passed the would-be helpers I hear them say they could "smell it on his breath". I didn't know the guy, but I had been a little concerned, maybe he'd been hit by a car, I don't know. I assumed he was drunk, but that's not really a good state to be in by the roadside.
Next time he fell, I was the closest person to him, but I didn't rush to his aid when he fell, I just carried on at normal speed and went straight past him. Was that the best thing to do? I don't know, but neither did I know what needed to be done.
I rank this higher, because it affects someone I know. A friend informed me that one of their parents was quite ill - hospital grade ill. I've had very few hospital related incidents in my life, so I really didn't know how severe it was. Either way, I though I should be a supportive, or at least well-meaning friend.
But what does one do in that situation? Are you supposed to say "wow, that really sucks" in sad tones? Are you supposed to do the whole "If there's anything you need..." spiel? I'm pretty sure about this one but are you supposed to inquire as to the nature and fatality of the 'illness'?
I settled for the "Hope they get better" with a follow up some time later. I just hope they recognised that I'm not good at this and took heart that I cared. The final incident I'll describe you may possibly think is the most heinous, but remember I was (and possibly still am) poorly equipped in all necessary aspects to deal with the situation. I was at home one day, and since it was a nice day, had the window open. I heard the clatter of a ladder and an 'argh!' from through the window. I had a look, but could see nothing, and without going house to house, had no way of knowing where it came from. Yes, I did think he might be injured, but I didn't here any further commotion, so I put it to the back of my mind feeling a little bit guilty, but assuring myself that it was more likely that her was fine. I later found out that it was a workman working on a house while the owners were out. He fell off his ladder and injured his spine. The ambulance crew took him away. From what I heard, he recovered with no serious complaints. But it must have been a few hours before he was discovered, and I can rationalise away my behaviour, or I can blame myself, but I felt I would have some kind of meltdown if I tried to help, and that's not helpful. These are situations where I felt I could do nothing, or didn't know how to act. I've said the best way to deal with this is to practice, but I don't want to practice these.
I settled for the "Hope they get better" with a follow up some time later. I just hope they recognised that I'm not good at this and took heart that I cared. The final incident I'll describe you may possibly think is the most heinous, but remember I was (and possibly still am) poorly equipped in all necessary aspects to deal with the situation. I was at home one day, and since it was a nice day, had the window open. I heard the clatter of a ladder and an 'argh!' from through the window. I had a look, but could see nothing, and without going house to house, had no way of knowing where it came from. Yes, I did think he might be injured, but I didn't here any further commotion, so I put it to the back of my mind feeling a little bit guilty, but assuring myself that it was more likely that her was fine. I later found out that it was a workman working on a house while the owners were out. He fell off his ladder and injured his spine. The ambulance crew took him away. From what I heard, he recovered with no serious complaints. But it must have been a few hours before he was discovered, and I can rationalise away my behaviour, or I can blame myself, but I felt I would have some kind of meltdown if I tried to help, and that's not helpful. These are situations where I felt I could do nothing, or didn't know how to act. I've said the best way to deal with this is to practice, but I don't want to practice these.
14 Jun 2012
"Don't Let It Bother You"
That used to be a phrase that I couldn't really comprehend, and it used to annoy me when people said it. It's like telling someone not to forget - they can try to remember, but they may very well forget. But recently, after some reading, and not a small amount of thinking, I decided not to let it bother me.
After a long time worrying about worrying, I just thought: "let it go". And I was surprised (and happy) that I felt I could. Maybe it's because I have been trying, and reading, and trying some more that I got to this stage. Sure, it might be hard putting it in to practice, but right now I've got a grin on my face. Because I won't let these little things bother me.
It will be different for different people, but I think there must be a trigger that can be fired when you get to a certain point. I don't claim to have reached enlightenment, but I will say it's a good feeling just to say:
I am how I am, and I can't change that, only become better at being myself.
Suffering is created from within, and I choose to let go of that suffering.
Things will turn out how they turn out, why worry about it?
The core truth of what I am saying is that, if you are feeling negative emotions, get to a place where you can let go of them. You could exercise rigorously to release them, but it's an exercise of the mind to let them go before they build up.
After a long time worrying about worrying, I just thought: "let it go". And I was surprised (and happy) that I felt I could. Maybe it's because I have been trying, and reading, and trying some more that I got to this stage. Sure, it might be hard putting it in to practice, but right now I've got a grin on my face. Because I won't let these little things bother me.
It will be different for different people, but I think there must be a trigger that can be fired when you get to a certain point. I don't claim to have reached enlightenment, but I will say it's a good feeling just to say:
I am how I am, and I can't change that, only become better at being myself.
Suffering is created from within, and I choose to let go of that suffering.
Things will turn out how they turn out, why worry about it?
The core truth of what I am saying is that, if you are feeling negative emotions, get to a place where you can let go of them. You could exercise rigorously to release them, but it's an exercise of the mind to let them go before they build up.
11 Jun 2012
Practice and New Situations
I believe I have already mentioned that I have generalised anxiety or some form of social phobia. I have read what the literature has to say on the matter - usually something about cognitive reframing and logical thinking - but the only real method I have found effective is practice.
One example I could list is phone calls, something I believe quite a few Aspies don't like. Before I really examined it, I didn't know why I disliked phone calls, and assumed it was just something to do with my generation (as in peer group, not the the song by The Who). The issue is that I didn't really know when it was my turn to speak. After receiving many calls, albeit mostly from sales companies, I came up with stock phrases and I suppose I mimicked my parents' phone style a bit. These were less useful when there were new situations, or I was making the call.
As with talking with strangers face-to-face, phone calls take more conscious effort. I've noticed this even when talking to friends on the phone - people I know and am comfortable around. Every phone call I make adds to my experience and therefore my confidence making new calls. How? It's simple. Having more things to draw on means I can take aspects from each and combine them effectively in ever new situations.
This can be applied to all social interactions, but you might have to start off small before building up to completely alien situations. Believe it or not, I feel generally more confident knowing there are things I can deal with now that I had issues with earlier.
One example I could list is phone calls, something I believe quite a few Aspies don't like. Before I really examined it, I didn't know why I disliked phone calls, and assumed it was just something to do with my generation (as in peer group, not the the song by The Who). The issue is that I didn't really know when it was my turn to speak. After receiving many calls, albeit mostly from sales companies, I came up with stock phrases and I suppose I mimicked my parents' phone style a bit. These were less useful when there were new situations, or I was making the call.
As with talking with strangers face-to-face, phone calls take more conscious effort. I've noticed this even when talking to friends on the phone - people I know and am comfortable around. Every phone call I make adds to my experience and therefore my confidence making new calls. How? It's simple. Having more things to draw on means I can take aspects from each and combine them effectively in ever new situations.
This can be applied to all social interactions, but you might have to start off small before building up to completely alien situations. Believe it or not, I feel generally more confident knowing there are things I can deal with now that I had issues with earlier.
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