Do I Have A Learning Disability?

Is this even a question I am ready, or even able, to answer? I don't know. Any autistic syndrome is classified as a disability of varying degree. Do I feel differently towards or about the physically or mentally different? I'd like to think not. But when asked if I believe I have a disability, I pause every single time before saying no.

Yes, I have some social impairment. Yes, I find it more difficult to deal with and identify emotions and associated non-verbal cues. Yes, decisions can be a laborious task. Yes, I might need support in tasks  where others do not. But I still don't want to admit to a disability. Impairment maybe, but nothing else. Why?

I don't have a diagnosis. But that only deflects the question to why I don't try to get one. However true or untrue it may be, I believe there to be a stigma to disabilities, even if it is unconscious. Of course people knowing (or ideally being more generally aware of the prevalence of ASDs) more about Asperger Syndrome might make my and other people's interactions easier. I don't want to be treated differently for something I am, but something I've done. I don't want people to say "he did well, especially for someone like him". I know this is unlikely, but that the ever-present paranoia rearing it's head.

Am I prejudiced against people with mental disabilities? I hope I am not, and I act like I am not. I have treated the mentally handicapped people I've met differently, but I treat different NTs differently based on who they are. Am I prejudiced against myself? I treat myself harder than I treat other people.

Do I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder? Yes. Do I have a disability? Would you judge a fish by it's ability to do calculus?

Horror Films and Fear

I am rarely scared by a horror film. I don't often watch them, but when I do, I'm rarely scared. Of course the heart-racer shock killer behind you moments gets me, but it's just shock. And as for gore films, they are as amusing as old films with then state of the art effects which now pale in comparison to what a six-year-old could do on a tablet. Straight horror films bore me.

But I've never wanted to be scared. I was telling this to an NT and there was proof how well they knew me. I said I didn't see the point of trying to scare yourself. The response was along these lines: you're an Aspie, and as such the world is a little scarier for you than NTs, so why would you try to relax by feeling unsafe? You probably like safe and happy films the most, probably RomComs.

Probably about 5% of my (vast) film collection is classified as RomCom. But some of the other films I have have romantic themes, or at least romantic aspects. That still only raises them to maybe 10%. That compares to almost 25% Sci-Fi & Fantasy. That doesn't change the facts though: I like them not only for their predictability (there are only two main plot variations), but because of the happy and safe feeling.

Why seek out fear? Thrills, yes. Excitement, yes. But actual shake you fear? No thanks. I've been scared before, and I will be again, and I won't choose it, it will be thrust upon me. If I can control my world, I want it to be a happy place. Always.

Mockingbird

I wrote previously about how the non-fiction work "Watching The English" could be useful to English Aspies. I book I read some time ago may also be useful: Mockingbird. No, I didn't buy it mistakenly thinking it was part of the recently popular Hunger Games trilogy. It is the story of a young girl with Asperger Syndrome as she tries to help her father out of depression after the murder of her brother. Cheery stuff... But for people on the spectrum and not on the spectrum, I think it's worth a read.

Written in the first person, it really gets you into her thought processes, so you really understand the character and her decisions. If you're not on the spectrum, I would say it gives good insight into someone with Asperger Syndrome, not all of us, but some of us.

Give it a go. Kathryn Erskine. Mockingbird.

Emotional Triggers

A more personal as opposed to general post today, but this is about how certain things can trigger emotional reactions or even irrational attacks. Certain physical stimuli can cause Aspie meltdowns, which I'm not prone to, and others can create intense emotional responses.

Earlier, I wasn't feeling particularly top notch, and something (I don't particularly want to enter in to that) made me quite sad. If I were to encounter this trigger on a day when I felt my normal self, I would not necessarily have a response with such magnitude. This is true also, I believe, with meltdowns. Myself, I seem to get a balance of good and bad.

Somewhat like with manic-depression, I get lows and highs. Different triggers at different times elicit different responses. I call them triggers, but they could be once only occurrences. Music has a great effect on me, and it can be a cause of great emotion in me. Music usually called 'sad' has a very calming effect on me when I am at an emotional low. If I am in a receptive mood, some pieces of music can even elate me (try this). But then again, I really feel the music.

I am aware that music can be used in therapies, to calm, or help treat people. I'm not saying I disagree, but think of it like this:

Add 3 and -3 and you get 0. That's logic (actually it's mathematics, but bear with me). Emotions have zero base in reason, so while you can try to add sad to happy, but it might not equal normality. The best option is to gradually slide from one to the other, not try and jump too far.

My Personal Infographic

The classification of Asperger Syndrome can be somewhat difficult. Loose terminology leaves a lot of interpretation, meaning misdiagnoses or no diagnoses. There are generalised lists of what is encompassed on the syndrome, and phrases like "substantial social difficulties". Maybe it's just me and all the other Aspies that don't know what that means.

My point is, every person is different, and they will each have a different mixture of each supposed trait. Of course, being a syndrome means that every Aspie has similar core traits, but the extent to which these are apparent varies.

The Venn diagram above shows how I believe myself to be. The central circle is my experience of Asperger's. The other overlapping areas show what proportion of each has in common. An example, perhaps: I feel anxiety is full encompassed by AS, but social interaction in not fully included. Most people might socialise the entire circle - I only like to socialise the smaller segment. Anxiety is covered under emotions, but emotions don't play a very large part in my life (except anxiety).

Got the hang of it? One more example. Aspie aspects can be confused with OCD. Obsession is big among Aspies, and is linked to compulsion, which can also be related to Aspies. I don't claim to speak for all Aspies, this is just me.