Would You Rather Be Normal or Weird?

When asked this question, most people would say weird. Weird, isn't it? It's because they're not answering the question. The real question is actually asking whether you would prefer to fit in or not. Think about it if you don't get it at first.

Normal means like everyone else. What it doesn't mean is a clone of everyone else. So when the neurotypicals say they want to be different from everyone else, they don't really understand. Being different is fine, being different can be great, but nobody wants to feel excluded because of their difference. And that's what weird is. If a person is too different for the social circle or peer group, they will be slowly forced or left out. Because they're weird.

There are probably many people on the spectrum who would disagree with me, but I would prefer to be normal. Or at least, I think I would given a few caveats. If normal meant no social anxiety, no difficulty understanding social situation, no need for stimming, that would be fantastic. But if it came with a trade off so that I was less intelligent, and could not really feel through my music, was not passionate about the little things, I'm not sure I would go for it.

I have always been the weird one in the social groups. This has suited me fine. It means I could be myself, and those around me could enjoy me being myself. But as time moves on, so do friends, and you find yourself in a shrinking circle. If I were "normal" I would probably just make new friends. But it's not that easy. Weird doesn't make you friends. I don't often feel weird, but when I do, it's not a good feeling. Can you, you who are reading this, honestly say that you enjoy feeling left out because of who you are?

Do I Have A Learning Disability?

Is this even a question I am ready, or even able, to answer? I don't know. Any autistic syndrome is classified as a disability of varying degree. Do I feel differently towards or about the physically or mentally different? I'd like to think not. But when asked if I believe I have a disability, I pause every single time before saying no.

Yes, I have some social impairment. Yes, I find it more difficult to deal with and identify emotions and associated non-verbal cues. Yes, decisions can be a laborious task. Yes, I might need support in tasks  where others do not. But I still don't want to admit to a disability. Impairment maybe, but nothing else. Why?

I don't have a diagnosis. But that only deflects the question to why I don't try to get one. However true or untrue it may be, I believe there to be a stigma to disabilities, even if it is unconscious. Of course people knowing (or ideally being more generally aware of the prevalence of ASDs) more about Asperger Syndrome might make my and other people's interactions easier. I don't want to be treated differently for something I am, but something I've done. I don't want people to say "he did well, especially for someone like him". I know this is unlikely, but that the ever-present paranoia rearing it's head.

Am I prejudiced against people with mental disabilities? I hope I am not, and I act like I am not. I have treated the mentally handicapped people I've met differently, but I treat different NTs differently based on who they are. Am I prejudiced against myself? I treat myself harder than I treat other people.

Do I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder? Yes. Do I have a disability? Would you judge a fish by it's ability to do calculus?

Mockingbird

I wrote previously about how the non-fiction work "Watching The English" could be useful to English Aspies. I book I read some time ago may also be useful: Mockingbird. No, I didn't buy it mistakenly thinking it was part of the recently popular Hunger Games trilogy. It is the story of a young girl with Asperger Syndrome as she tries to help her father out of depression after the murder of her brother. Cheery stuff... But for people on the spectrum and not on the spectrum, I think it's worth a read.

Written in the first person, it really gets you into her thought processes, so you really understand the character and her decisions. If you're not on the spectrum, I would say it gives good insight into someone with Asperger Syndrome, not all of us, but some of us.

Give it a go. Kathryn Erskine. Mockingbird.

My Personal Infographic

The classification of Asperger Syndrome can be somewhat difficult. Loose terminology leaves a lot of interpretation, meaning misdiagnoses or no diagnoses. There are generalised lists of what is encompassed on the syndrome, and phrases like "substantial social difficulties". Maybe it's just me and all the other Aspies that don't know what that means.

My point is, every person is different, and they will each have a different mixture of each supposed trait. Of course, being a syndrome means that every Aspie has similar core traits, but the extent to which these are apparent varies.

The Venn diagram above shows how I believe myself to be. The central circle is my experience of Asperger's. The other overlapping areas show what proportion of each has in common. An example, perhaps: I feel anxiety is full encompassed by AS, but social interaction in not fully included. Most people might socialise the entire circle - I only like to socialise the smaller segment. Anxiety is covered under emotions, but emotions don't play a very large part in my life (except anxiety).

Got the hang of it? One more example. Aspie aspects can be confused with OCD. Obsession is big among Aspies, and is linked to compulsion, which can also be related to Aspies. I don't claim to speak for all Aspies, this is just me.

Reading "Watching The English"

Reading this book I almost get the same levels of clarity and revelation as I did when I first seriously researched Asperger Syndrome. I'm only partway through Kate Fox's anthropological study of my home people, and already I'm seeing things I've observed myself, but more importantly I'm learning things that could be useful.

Of course, most people out there are not English (which is unfortunate for them), so this book loses quite a lot of relevance. But I do think an outside view of customs and rituals can be very helpful for those who don't instinctively know them. So far, I have noticed a few differences between the observations in her book and my observations of my immediate social group. It could be generational, but even if it isn't it's still generally true. It's a good read.

The Aspergian Brain

I don't profess to be a neuroscientist, or any other brain-studier, so what you read here may not be 100% accurate, but it's what I can pull together about how the difference in 'wiring' produces these different results.

The Frontal Lobe:
I understand that it controls/regulates things such as emotions, some motor skills, impulse control, long term memory, and decision making. Studies into children with AS have found that there is reduced activity in this area when making a decision. This is purely my speculation, but I'm thinking that the further along the spectrum, the less this area reacts. Think Rainman - Raymond was completely unable to determine right from wrong, or to decide his future.

Also, deficiencies (or deviations from the norm) in this area could mean a reduced emotional response or emotional competence. If the neurons aren't firing like those of NTs, then behaviour will be different. Interestingly, the frontal lobes are involved with the sense of humour, and I know that some Aspies are described as lacking in that department. Quite importantly, the area believed to be involved with detecting deception, irony, and sarcasm is in the frontal lobes.

If there is simply a difference in structure, and not a deficiency in brain chemicals, this may explain the single-mindedness - the ability to be completely absorbed , the stubbornness, even the genius. Research into adult Aspergians has found higher levels of protein in the frontal lobes (cerebral cortex). This same difference may also be linked with the difficulty in social interaction. The communication between parts of the brain may be hindered by the different layout or concentration of hormones.

More activity in this region could account for better non-task memory: fact recall.

The Amygdala:
This is supposedly where the emotions are decoded. If they are incorrectly decoded, or the message is misinterpreted at the other end, then I believe that would result in 'emotional incompetence'. As this is also the area that deals with threats and senses. This could explain why some people have sensory overloads: they perceive 'normal' things as threats or as bad things, and this part of the brain takes over, trying to get the body away and possibly warning others (wailing and jerking).

Possibly, the difference in the structure means that people with an ASD could be hyper-vigilant or unable to shut certain things out. The amygdala is in constant contact with the cerebral cortex, and if it thinks there is  danger, it will be sending more messages to the frontal lobes, causing anxiety.

It has also been linked to social emotional processing (empathy).


If anyone with learning or knowledge in this area wishes to contradict me, please do, as this is all speculation based on perfunctory research.

Mimicry

People don't often talk about the plus points of Aspergers, like loyalty, honesty, and memory. Some Aspergians become great scientists, musicians, or mathematicians. I find that because I watch people, I mean really watch them, I am able to copy mannerisms, accents, voices.

It's not important, or significant, but it's a talent mixed with a skill which I find amusing, a hobby if you will. I used to be genuinely surprised when other people couldn't do this. But then when I looked at it differently I found commonalities with having AS: I observe others and mimic their mannerisms and pronunciations. This is similar to how I look at my social behaviour: I observe others and mimic their behaviours.

Okay, so I can't bend my voice to sound like everyone, that's just not how the vocal system works. What I can do is hear an accent, copy and interpolate, and reproduce it, and I just know what to do. With some voices, I can actually produce a good facsimile. I can't describe exactly how I do it, but I kind of picture myself as the person I'm imitating.

As with social interactions, this works. Unfortunately, this talent I seem to have for vocal mimicry doesn't exactly map onto other situations. But I'm happy with my little talent - I can speak in 35 accents, and do impressions of at least 10 celebrities. Just one good aspect of being an aspie.

The Trial of Shopping

People with Asperger’s are not necessarily good at social interactions. I’m no exception. When a Neurotypical goes down to the shops, they may engage the cashier or other customers in pleasantries and chitchat. When I go to the shops, and I only go to the shops if I vitally need something, I don’t engage anyone in ‘meaningless’ talk.

The way I view the world affects the way I interact with it, which I think is true for us all. I perceive a need – for food, clothes, whatever – so I must go to a place where I can acquire these things. When I’m there I get what I need, then go to pay. This is a simple transaction where I perform my function of customer and the cashier performs the function of enabling this purchase. Maybe you’ll see some similarities with yourself there…

On an intellectual level, I am aware that the other person is not simply a function, and they very well may want a way to alleviate the monotony of their day. I also understand that pleasantries and chatter are an important part of social bonding, and even though I will probably never befriend this worker, it’s nice and polite. However, as is often the case, the emotional side of my brain – the side of my brain to which I attribute my anxieties and aspie-isms – wants to take over, it wants to get this done and dusted as quickly as possible.

So I use stock phrases, watch the weather, and try not to be oblivious of current events. I’ve been told that small talk is the social grease, and although I don’t necessarily feel the benefits of it, it gives the illusion of being ‘normal’. It’s a shame, but some NTs might feel awkward around people who don’t conform, and an uncomfortable NT may be more difficult to interact with. So when someone says to me “it’s a right cold patch we’re having isn’t it?”, I don’t just say “yes” and move on, I try to say something like “well I hear it will get better by Monday”. Just that small stock sentence may illicit a smile from the other party, because there is that expected bit of social grease that tells them they’re not dealing with a psychopath, oddball, or any other type of weirdo. Okay, I still often come across as socially awkward by dint of inflection or odd pause lengths in conversation, but they appreciate it. Think of it like speaking bad French to a Frenchman – he might pick up on it, but will appreciate you trying.

Post Zero

Asperger Syndrome is something a small percentage of the world's population has to live with, and there are a few publications which aim to help those people. More literature exists to help parents 'deal' with aspie kids, or to help Neurotypicals understand Aspies. Hopefully this blog, detailing my experiences, will help, or at least amuse, other young Aspie adults.

Hi, I have mild Asperger Syndrome, or a combination of other conditions that present themselves indistinguishable from it. I will be posting my frustrations and any ways I find to deal with them.