Ego. Again.

Some time ago, I posted about the importance of ego. Or at least, the importance of the appearance of ego. The ego is what makes you think you are important. If you have a big ego, you think you're more important than everybody else, and if you have not very much ego, you think you're less important than everybody else. Well here's the thing: autism. Self-ness. The name implies focus only on the self. But is this really the case across the spectrum?

I can only really speak of Asperger Syndrome, and within that, myself. It is not uncommon for Aspergians to feel something akin to paranoia. Why akin to? If a person has made more than a couple of social faux pas, they may be justified in believing that they are being watched or spoken about. So, not exactly the irrational belief that they are being observed or are the centre of secret discussions. But a large portion of that feeling is added by the person themselves: I'm not being included, it must be about me. And this is how people with low self confidence, introverts, and some people with AS suffer from an excessive ego.

But being so self-centric can be detrimental to social relationships. No one likes the guy who's a bit of an arse, but it's accidental offenses, rather than the self-interested egotism, that most of us are worried about. The 'oops, they didn't take that right' moments. The 'oh, that's why they're acting funny' moments. You can't change human nature, but you can change your own behaviour. If it upsets you that you've upset someone, you can learn from that. All you can do is learn.

But is this behaviour inherent, or is it learned as self defence? Assume the worst, and everything's an improvement. Not really the best philosophy for life, but getting over the emotional hump, the Wednesday of you ego, is the trick. By no means am I saying change yourself to make people like you, but I am saying try to curb the behaviour that you've found has upset people, because in the end, it's upsetting you. Be selfish in that respect. So, at the risk of sounding pseudo-philosophical, think of yourself and think of others.

The Appearance of Ego

I think I have low self-confidence. It may have something to do with social anxiety, pessimism, and slight perfectionism. I have to put on a show, the appearance of ego when I'm in social situations. Throw some bravado in there for good measure.

Of course, we all have an ego, super-ego, and id. I'm referring to being egotistical, a somewhat alpha-male behaviour. I find that I act like an alpha-male when in a social group, probably to hide my insecurities, and to satisfy my need for control. Underneath I'm running hot - taking in lots of data, trying to interpret it as best as possible, and deliver a suitable response. For me, alpha behaviour is easier to mimic. Then, any misunderstandings in conversation or body-language can be dismissed as fault of the other person. I'm the boss round here, so it must be your fault. Any slight to that image of egotism is dismissed or redirected. Bitch, I'm awesome. As far as I can tell, it works.

It's all based on analysis and thinking though. Perhaps acting confident makes you confident, something psychosomatic, somewhat like the placebo effect. It's the only logical conclusion: I'm acting confident, people think I'm confident, I must be confident. And it works... in social situations.

When I'm alone, it's a different story altogether. Recently I was at a jobs fair, an event where students wander round the space and talk to prospective employers. The thing is, I don't have the confidence to talk to them, and even if I do, what a first impression I'd make. If I knew the social protocols, it might be better, more like a visit to the shops. It could be a control issue, and not knowing the possible outcomes.

I just need a way to give the appearance of ego in unfamiliar situations...