I have a tendency to want to blame my AS for certain behaviours and shortcomings. This is the wrong way to go about things. When I recognise something I could do better, I try hard to take that on board and improve on it next time. If I make a social faux pas then my obsession over it later can help ensure I don't do it again, or at least less often. If I find myself in a situation where I feel I'm about to lose control, I will examine the situation and try to understand what contributed to my state, and try to avoid or prevent that happening again in the future.
You could look at it in a similar way to overcoming addiction: there is an undesired behaviour which seems so natural, but that you're trying to overcome. You may have relapses occasionally. You may feel down occasionally. What if an alcoholic said the reason, the excuse, for his violence or uncivil behaviour was simply that he was an alcoholic? What if a drug addict said his stealing to support his habit was justified because he was a drug addict? That wouldn't lie. Neither does blaming Aspergers for poor behaviour and bad interactions.
I'm not saying AS is the same as addiction, because it is not. However, to be a happier overall person, it is important to fight every day. I've read that to face the world everyday, people with Aspergers are braver than most. If you let AS rule your life, you are not a worse person, but if you can look at the world as a challenge to be overcome, and strive to better yourself then I'd say yes, that is quite brave. And you can feel better about yourself because of it.
25 Feb 2012
23 Feb 2012
(Awkward) Silences
People say they don't like awkward silences, and that's fair, but I think the term 'awkward' is often misapplied. When an inappropriate comment is made in public conversation, it is called an awkward silence. When two people are waiting for, or are in, a lift and they don't talk, it is called an awkward silence. If someone holds your gaze for an extended period of time, that's awkward too.
But why they are awkward has always puzzled me. In the case of the lift (or elevator, for US occupants), my view is that I don't know this person, and there is no immediate need to speak to this person, so I don't. I have talked to an NT about this, who said that it seemed odd that people wouldn't talk to each other considering that we are all part of the human experience.
We are all people, yes, but where in society does it say that we must engage everyone we see in conversation? Perhaps society would be a friendlier, if noisier, place for this, but it would be less functional. The fact that NTs feel uncomfortable in silence is something they might want to look at. Perhaps it goes back to the fact that NTs try to read signs that aren't there and Aspies just don't read the signs. Maybe the NTs aren't picking up a vibe from the stranger next to them, or across the room from them, so feel unsure about the situation. Maybe people with AS are oblivious to the awkward feeling from the other party, so don't reciprocate it.
I'm still a little confused about it, but I don't feel the need to talk to people in order to break the silence. If their discomfort at no conversation is too much and they need to converse, I can overcome my discomfort with small talk to make them feel at ease. Usually, it's quite concise and results in silence, but a silence in which all parties concerned feel somewhat at ease.
But why they are awkward has always puzzled me. In the case of the lift (or elevator, for US occupants), my view is that I don't know this person, and there is no immediate need to speak to this person, so I don't. I have talked to an NT about this, who said that it seemed odd that people wouldn't talk to each other considering that we are all part of the human experience.
We are all people, yes, but where in society does it say that we must engage everyone we see in conversation? Perhaps society would be a friendlier, if noisier, place for this, but it would be less functional. The fact that NTs feel uncomfortable in silence is something they might want to look at. Perhaps it goes back to the fact that NTs try to read signs that aren't there and Aspies just don't read the signs. Maybe the NTs aren't picking up a vibe from the stranger next to them, or across the room from them, so feel unsure about the situation. Maybe people with AS are oblivious to the awkward feeling from the other party, so don't reciprocate it.
I'm still a little confused about it, but I don't feel the need to talk to people in order to break the silence. If their discomfort at no conversation is too much and they need to converse, I can overcome my discomfort with small talk to make them feel at ease. Usually, it's quite concise and results in silence, but a silence in which all parties concerned feel somewhat at ease.
18 Feb 2012
Being On Time, And The Inherent Anxiety
I have to be on time. It's not a choice, it is an absolute state for me. Of course being on time is important for work and interviews and such, but I can't let it stop there.
That is where one part of the problem lies. The other part is the sheer anxiety I feel when I need to be somewhere at a specific time. I plan my route, I know arrival and departure times of any public transport, I know transit time, and I factor in time for unseen delays. And 99.9% of the time, I am on time or early. Thinking about it rationally, the repercussions of being late are astronomically minor. Okay, if I'm late to a job interview it might harm my chances, but I don't have those often. I can assure myself that I can get there an hour early, and even if there is a major transport incident, I could still get there with time to spare. All variables taken care of.
But there is still that nervous energy that makes me pace, clench my fists, grind my teeth, tap my fingers, and just generally stress out. The other part I mentioned is that I let it leak into other parts of my life, like meeting friends for a drink. "Oh meet at 8 o'clock? Yeah, I'll see you then." Then be there at 8 o'clock! It's not that hard. This is where I get a bit Aspie. Even if they said meet at about a given time, I always arrive on the dot, and expect them to. I've become used to the fact that very few people care as much as I do about being on time. I say that that specific trait is Aspie, because a few sources talk about the AS view of justice. If I abide by the these (albeit self inflicted) rules, then so should every one else. But they don't, and I've got used to it.
But I am still always on time.
17 Feb 2012
Anger At Myself
Sometimes I can't help but be frustrated. I can't let things go, I find it difficult to relax, and my social ineptitude can get me down. I don't have anyone to blame, and I don't want anyone to blame. I am the way I am mostly though genetics.
I get angry at myself sometimes when some time later I realise, or it is pointed out, that I may have done something odd, insensitive, or hurtful. It's anger at myself because I was unable to see these flaws, and frustration with myself that I am unable to handle these emotions. I think mostly it's that I am frustrated that I lack the will power to overcome my shortcomings.
Until I can master those, or at least improve upon them, I need to cope with the negative emotions, anxiety and obsession. It's often advised that one should talk about it, thus making it a bit better. I don't talk to people about my Aspergers much, and I can't always talk to them when I need to, so I try coping strategies.
Coping is using intelligence to find something to distract, or move attention away, from the current situation. When I'm feeling anxious or frustrated, I tend to be overcome with nervous energy and start to pace. This is more of a symptom than a coping strategy. What I do then is sit down, breathe deeply and think logically about the most likely outcomes and the (in)significance of their impact. And this works for a short period of time.
When I'm angry, I have a different coping mechanism which may not be for everyone. I find that an adrenaline filled activity where skill is needed, can completely reduce the feelings of anger. I usually play Modern Warfare 2. Why? It get's my heart rate up, I have to combine sight, hearing, and my brain, and I genuinely care about the outcome. It might help that I'm good at the game, but I don't get the same release when I play other games. Physical exercise like lifting weights or using punchbags doesn't work for me but it might for others.
And for just general stress or obsession, I've found that a walk does me good. There are obviously times when you can't just walk three miles, but I have yet to find something else to help. Well there is one thing, but I haven't tried it much, which is just lying on the floor. I find it very hard to care about things when I'm lying staring at the ceiling. It could just be me though. Whatever works for you I suppose.
I get angry at myself sometimes when some time later I realise, or it is pointed out, that I may have done something odd, insensitive, or hurtful. It's anger at myself because I was unable to see these flaws, and frustration with myself that I am unable to handle these emotions. I think mostly it's that I am frustrated that I lack the will power to overcome my shortcomings.
Until I can master those, or at least improve upon them, I need to cope with the negative emotions, anxiety and obsession. It's often advised that one should talk about it, thus making it a bit better. I don't talk to people about my Aspergers much, and I can't always talk to them when I need to, so I try coping strategies.
Coping is using intelligence to find something to distract, or move attention away, from the current situation. When I'm feeling anxious or frustrated, I tend to be overcome with nervous energy and start to pace. This is more of a symptom than a coping strategy. What I do then is sit down, breathe deeply and think logically about the most likely outcomes and the (in)significance of their impact. And this works for a short period of time.
When I'm angry, I have a different coping mechanism which may not be for everyone. I find that an adrenaline filled activity where skill is needed, can completely reduce the feelings of anger. I usually play Modern Warfare 2. Why? It get's my heart rate up, I have to combine sight, hearing, and my brain, and I genuinely care about the outcome. It might help that I'm good at the game, but I don't get the same release when I play other games. Physical exercise like lifting weights or using punchbags doesn't work for me but it might for others.
And for just general stress or obsession, I've found that a walk does me good. There are obviously times when you can't just walk three miles, but I have yet to find something else to help. Well there is one thing, but I haven't tried it much, which is just lying on the floor. I find it very hard to care about things when I'm lying staring at the ceiling. It could just be me though. Whatever works for you I suppose.
12 Feb 2012
The Trial of Shopping
People with Asperger’s are not necessarily good at social interactions. I’m no exception. When a Neurotypical goes down to the shops, they may engage the cashier or other customers in pleasantries and chitchat. When I go to the shops, and I only go to the shops if I vitally need something, I don’t engage anyone in ‘meaningless’ talk.
The way I view the world affects the way I interact with it, which I think is true for us all. I perceive a need – for food, clothes, whatever – so I must go to a place where I can acquire these things. When I’m there I get what I need, then go to pay. This is a simple transaction where I perform my function of customer and the cashier performs the function of enabling this purchase. Maybe you’ll see some similarities with yourself there…
On an intellectual level, I am aware that the other person is not simply a function, and they very well may want a way to alleviate the monotony of their day. I also understand that pleasantries and chatter are an important part of social bonding, and even though I will probably never befriend this worker, it’s nice and polite. However, as is often the case, the emotional side of my brain – the side of my brain to which I attribute my anxieties and aspie-isms – wants to take over, it wants to get this done and dusted as quickly as possible.
So I use stock phrases, watch the weather, and try not to be oblivious of current events. I’ve been told that small talk is the social grease, and although I don’t necessarily feel the benefits of it, it gives the illusion of being ‘normal’. It’s a shame, but some NTs might feel awkward around people who don’t conform, and an uncomfortable NT may be more difficult to interact with. So when someone says to me “it’s a right cold patch we’re having isn’t it?”, I don’t just say “yes” and move on, I try to say something like “well I hear it will get better by Monday”. Just that small stock sentence may illicit a smile from the other party, because there is that expected bit of social grease that tells them they’re not dealing with a psychopath, oddball, or any other type of weirdo. Okay, I still often come across as socially awkward by dint of inflection or odd pause lengths in conversation, but they appreciate it. Think of it like speaking bad French to a Frenchman – he might pick up on it, but will appreciate you trying.
Post Zero
Asperger Syndrome is something a small percentage of the world's population has to live with, and there are a few publications which aim to help those people. More literature exists to help parents 'deal' with aspie kids, or to help Neurotypicals understand Aspies. Hopefully this blog, detailing my experiences, will help, or at least amuse, other young Aspie adults.
Hi, I have mild Asperger Syndrome, or a combination of other conditions that present themselves indistinguishable from it. I will be posting my frustrations and any ways I find to deal with them.
Hi, I have mild Asperger Syndrome, or a combination of other conditions that present themselves indistinguishable from it. I will be posting my frustrations and any ways I find to deal with them.
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