Normally, I worry about things that other think of as small and insignificant, and they cause me anxiety. Occasionally, I think about the future, and what it might have in store. Now most people do this from time to time, and probably see something they like, or something they can work towards. I have a pretty firm idea of how I want my life to be a few years down the line, and I know it's not (massively) unrealistic.
I genuinely would like to marry and have kids. However, I know that AS is genetic, and a major worry for me is that I will produce children on the severe end of the spectrum. You may think me callous, or mean, or whatever, but I don't have severe AS, and I can find the world challenging enough. True, I may not carry 'the Asperger gene', but I am also unaware of any studies done into the matter.
I don't think it would stop me, and it wouldn't change how I felt if my kids were further along the spectrum, but the part of me that seems designed to be anxious flares up at this.
I realise this is a hurdle to be overcome if and when I get there.
The bigger worries are always the emotional worries, and not the intellectual ones. Perhaps this is because I feel I can apply logic and rationality to non-emotional issues. Getting a job, for example. I am a student at the moment and I know that I need a job in order to fund living. However, I don't seem to assign getting a job much significance. Finding emotional fulfilment, on the other hand, is a high priority. I told an NT once that I would be absolutely fine with being a social drop-out, as long as I was happy. This was not met well. I'm not seriously considering disregarding my education and prospects, but I felt it expressed how I felt, that almost paradox: what I want most (almost to exclusivity) is emotional stability/welbeing, but it seems more difficult to get, and employment (sure we're in a recession) which is less difficult with a science degree, holds no immediate draw. I know aspies and NTs may feel this alike.
25 Mar 2012
16 Mar 2012
Mimicry
People don't often talk about the plus points of Aspergers, like loyalty, honesty, and memory. Some Aspergians become great scientists, musicians, or mathematicians. I find that because I watch people, I mean really watch them, I am able to copy mannerisms, accents, voices.
It's not important, or significant, but it's a talent mixed with a skill which I find amusing, a hobby if you will. I used to be genuinely surprised when other people couldn't do this. But then when I looked at it differently I found commonalities with having AS: I observe others and mimic their mannerisms and pronunciations. This is similar to how I look at my social behaviour: I observe others and mimic their behaviours.
Okay, so I can't bend my voice to sound like everyone, that's just not how the vocal system works. What I can do is hear an accent, copy and interpolate, and reproduce it, and I just know what to do. With some voices, I can actually produce a good facsimile. I can't describe exactly how I do it, but I kind of picture myself as the person I'm imitating.
As with social interactions, this works. Unfortunately, this talent I seem to have for vocal mimicry doesn't exactly map onto other situations. But I'm happy with my little talent - I can speak in 35 accents, and do impressions of at least 10 celebrities. Just one good aspect of being an aspie.
It's not important, or significant, but it's a talent mixed with a skill which I find amusing, a hobby if you will. I used to be genuinely surprised when other people couldn't do this. But then when I looked at it differently I found commonalities with having AS: I observe others and mimic their mannerisms and pronunciations. This is similar to how I look at my social behaviour: I observe others and mimic their behaviours.
Okay, so I can't bend my voice to sound like everyone, that's just not how the vocal system works. What I can do is hear an accent, copy and interpolate, and reproduce it, and I just know what to do. With some voices, I can actually produce a good facsimile. I can't describe exactly how I do it, but I kind of picture myself as the person I'm imitating.
As with social interactions, this works. Unfortunately, this talent I seem to have for vocal mimicry doesn't exactly map onto other situations. But I'm happy with my little talent - I can speak in 35 accents, and do impressions of at least 10 celebrities. Just one good aspect of being an aspie.
9 Mar 2012
The Appearance of Ego
I think I have low self-confidence. It may have something to do with social anxiety, pessimism, and slight perfectionism. I have to put on a show, the appearance of ego when I'm in social situations. Throw some bravado in there for good measure.
Of course, we all have an ego, super-ego, and id. I'm referring to being egotistical, a somewhat alpha-male behaviour. I find that I act like an alpha-male when in a social group, probably to hide my insecurities, and to satisfy my need for control. Underneath I'm running hot - taking in lots of data, trying to interpret it as best as possible, and deliver a suitable response. For me, alpha behaviour is easier to mimic. Then, any misunderstandings in conversation or body-language can be dismissed as fault of the other person. I'm the boss round here, so it must be your fault. Any slight to that image of egotism is dismissed or redirected. Bitch, I'm awesome. As far as I can tell, it works.
It's all based on analysis and thinking though. Perhaps acting confident makes you confident, something psychosomatic, somewhat like the placebo effect. It's the only logical conclusion: I'm acting confident, people think I'm confident, I must be confident. And it works... in social situations.
When I'm alone, it's a different story altogether. Recently I was at a jobs fair, an event where students wander round the space and talk to prospective employers. The thing is, I don't have the confidence to talk to them, and even if I do, what a first impression I'd make. If I knew the social protocols, it might be better, more like a visit to the shops. It could be a control issue, and not knowing the possible outcomes.
I just need a way to give the appearance of ego in unfamiliar situations...
Of course, we all have an ego, super-ego, and id. I'm referring to being egotistical, a somewhat alpha-male behaviour. I find that I act like an alpha-male when in a social group, probably to hide my insecurities, and to satisfy my need for control. Underneath I'm running hot - taking in lots of data, trying to interpret it as best as possible, and deliver a suitable response. For me, alpha behaviour is easier to mimic. Then, any misunderstandings in conversation or body-language can be dismissed as fault of the other person. I'm the boss round here, so it must be your fault. Any slight to that image of egotism is dismissed or redirected. Bitch, I'm awesome. As far as I can tell, it works.
It's all based on analysis and thinking though. Perhaps acting confident makes you confident, something psychosomatic, somewhat like the placebo effect. It's the only logical conclusion: I'm acting confident, people think I'm confident, I must be confident. And it works... in social situations.
When I'm alone, it's a different story altogether. Recently I was at a jobs fair, an event where students wander round the space and talk to prospective employers. The thing is, I don't have the confidence to talk to them, and even if I do, what a first impression I'd make. If I knew the social protocols, it might be better, more like a visit to the shops. It could be a control issue, and not knowing the possible outcomes.
I just need a way to give the appearance of ego in unfamiliar situations...
2 Mar 2012
Hypervigilance
It is common for Aspies to suffer from hypervigilance, a state where all those fight-or-flight mechanisms are running hot. It is a state most often associated with post traumatic stress disorder. I am somewhat hypervigilant, either as a symptom of constant higher stress/adrenaline levels, or one of many causes of it.
I have yet to find a suitable coping or prevention mechanism, but I would assume that by reducing my anxiety level, switching to the sympathetic nervous system, relaxing, the hypervigilance would abate.
When there is an unexpected noise, not even a loud noise, my heart rate picks up almost before I hear it. Unless I can readily identify the cause and source, I have the urge to investigate. If I'm listening to the radio and hear people outside, I will mute the radio and listen often until they're gone. When I hear a human noise at night, despite my best efforts, my heart jumps and I find it harder to sleep. When I was younger, I used to immediately check a new place for exits and cameras, in case something happened. I know it isn't at all severe, I'm not paranoid, and I'm not afraid, but it is still there, and it affects me.
How do I deal with it? I don't get worried or stressed about hypervigilance for a start. That could possibly compound. Usually, the effects are much less when I'm in a safe environment, but when I'm not, I just identify the sound and source as best as possible and assure myself that there is nothing to worry about. In public spaces, I avoid magnification, a behaviour which looks at the small things, and not the big picture. How many times have I had to make an emergency exit from am imminent threat? None, that I recall. What about at night when I'm away from home? Earplugs. They are unbelievably helpful, trust me. And You can still hear your alarm clock.
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