Is All Publicity Good Publicity?

I'm talking about the awareness of autism spectrum disorders. This not only applies to their prevalence, but their understanding. Recent studies have shown that walking a mile in someone's shoes may only compound held beliefs, so is making the world think about autism a good thing?

I am most certainly not saying hide it away, but neither am I saying we should wear quite plain, non-textured adornments so that people everywhere have another 'cause' to be aware of. The only people I know who have heard of Asperger Syndrome are those who it has affected, or those who work with Aspies/Auties. Hey, have you hear about this thing called paraplegia? Of course you have. Have you heard of Schizophrenia? Of course you have. Teurette's had a certain image, and though it may still do, it's a more accurate image because of exposure to those with it.

You can't immediately see AS, and if you've never heard of it you'd just put their behaviour down to quirkiness, or unfortunately sometimes madness. There are a plethora of misdiagnoses, but we know that. The public seem not too, and some are stuck in the days of the Spastic Society. I think that without a strong drive, and possibly a face of AS, people will continue to misunderstand.

By no means am I putting myself forward, but can't some of the health budget go towards lending the support necessary for a sizeable number of people? It isn't a priority, and it should be a little more noticed.

Finding The One, or Just Someone

Despite my respite from posting, I intend to keep this short. I am starting to read a new book (Asperger Meets Girl) and before I got into it, I had some thoughts.

One problem people with an ASD claim to have is an inability to flirt. However, I have the inability to not flirt. I learned my behaviour by watching others and have been told I can be quite flirtatious. Why am I bragging? I'm not.

I lack the emotional and physiological detection skills to determine personal interest from polite interest. I cannot recognise when I'm being hit on unless I can see the checklist of signs. I, and many other A spies and Auties, must learn a) to recognise how and when to flirt, and b) when the hell someone is doing it back.

I've said previously about an anthropology book on the English, and it was useful. If you are struggling, find something which translate innate knowledge into rules and observations. It will help. I read a recent article about an airline helping autistic children understand and be comfortable with air travel. I am only aware of one place that teaches social skills, and more importantly inter-gender skills, in an ASD designed way. I'm not talking about biology, but psychology. Of course, courses and societies exist that are designed to get your designs. Adult learning for adult interactions.

I'm not interested. Occasionally I have considered making my voice heard, coming out of the very safe and decidedly neat Aspie cupboard because these resources either do not exist or a poorly advertised.

Unployment

Unemployment is bad. You don't get money, you don't get social standing, you don't get a sense of accomplishment. But is it? The only thing I disliked about unemployment was the hassle of signing on. Now I'm working and don't like it.

Of course I understand that to get something from the system, I have to put something in to the system, but the disadvantages of unemployment didn't out-weigh the advantages for me.Home was safe. I live with my parents (I'm 21 at the time of writing, by the way) and have rarely been short on funds. I had an active social life, and I think you can guess I liked doing whatever I wanted every day.

But now I have a job. I don't like it because it truly is below my intelligence level - no excitement, no challenge. I've been told nobody likes work. Why? They've settled, as I might do someday, for something just interesting enough so they don't quit.

I don't feel safe at work. Today I had to avoid a panic attack when someone asked me to use the the phone to call someone I didn't know about something I wasn't familiar with. I don't use the phone. At least, when I plan to use the phone I rationalise all possibilities, big myself up (not a euphemism), and practice before taking the plunge. I can now call the doctor with very little anxiety and forethought. Sometimes I need to find someone in the office and give them a message. That's not too much to ask because I'm familiar with the premise and probable results. No, work is not safe.

If somehow I had the wherewithal to run my own business, things might be easier because they would be expected and on my terms and I would rarely have to depend on others to guide me. I'm not saying this is a thought shared by fellow Aspies, but it might be an emotion shared by them.

Do I Have A Learning Disability?

Is this even a question I am ready, or even able, to answer? I don't know. Any autistic syndrome is classified as a disability of varying degree. Do I feel differently towards or about the physically or mentally different? I'd like to think not. But when asked if I believe I have a disability, I pause every single time before saying no.

Yes, I have some social impairment. Yes, I find it more difficult to deal with and identify emotions and associated non-verbal cues. Yes, decisions can be a laborious task. Yes, I might need support in tasks  where others do not. But I still don't want to admit to a disability. Impairment maybe, but nothing else. Why?

I don't have a diagnosis. But that only deflects the question to why I don't try to get one. However true or untrue it may be, I believe there to be a stigma to disabilities, even if it is unconscious. Of course people knowing (or ideally being more generally aware of the prevalence of ASDs) more about Asperger Syndrome might make my and other people's interactions easier. I don't want to be treated differently for something I am, but something I've done. I don't want people to say "he did well, especially for someone like him". I know this is unlikely, but that the ever-present paranoia rearing it's head.

Am I prejudiced against people with mental disabilities? I hope I am not, and I act like I am not. I have treated the mentally handicapped people I've met differently, but I treat different NTs differently based on who they are. Am I prejudiced against myself? I treat myself harder than I treat other people.

Do I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder? Yes. Do I have a disability? Would you judge a fish by it's ability to do calculus?

Horror Films and Fear

I am rarely scared by a horror film. I don't often watch them, but when I do, I'm rarely scared. Of course the heart-racer shock killer behind you moments gets me, but it's just shock. And as for gore films, they are as amusing as old films with then state of the art effects which now pale in comparison to what a six-year-old could do on a tablet. Straight horror films bore me.

But I've never wanted to be scared. I was telling this to an NT and there was proof how well they knew me. I said I didn't see the point of trying to scare yourself. The response was along these lines: you're an Aspie, and as such the world is a little scarier for you than NTs, so why would you try to relax by feeling unsafe? You probably like safe and happy films the most, probably RomComs.

Probably about 5% of my (vast) film collection is classified as RomCom. But some of the other films I have have romantic themes, or at least romantic aspects. That still only raises them to maybe 10%. That compares to almost 25% Sci-Fi & Fantasy. That doesn't change the facts though: I like them not only for their predictability (there are only two main plot variations), but because of the happy and safe feeling.

Why seek out fear? Thrills, yes. Excitement, yes. But actual shake you fear? No thanks. I've been scared before, and I will be again, and I won't choose it, it will be thrust upon me. If I can control my world, I want it to be a happy place. Always.

Mockingbird

I wrote previously about how the non-fiction work "Watching The English" could be useful to English Aspies. I book I read some time ago may also be useful: Mockingbird. No, I didn't buy it mistakenly thinking it was part of the recently popular Hunger Games trilogy. It is the story of a young girl with Asperger Syndrome as she tries to help her father out of depression after the murder of her brother. Cheery stuff... But for people on the spectrum and not on the spectrum, I think it's worth a read.

Written in the first person, it really gets you into her thought processes, so you really understand the character and her decisions. If you're not on the spectrum, I would say it gives good insight into someone with Asperger Syndrome, not all of us, but some of us.

Give it a go. Kathryn Erskine. Mockingbird.

Emotional Triggers

A more personal as opposed to general post today, but this is about how certain things can trigger emotional reactions or even irrational attacks. Certain physical stimuli can cause Aspie meltdowns, which I'm not prone to, and others can create intense emotional responses.

Earlier, I wasn't feeling particularly top notch, and something (I don't particularly want to enter in to that) made me quite sad. If I were to encounter this trigger on a day when I felt my normal self, I would not necessarily have a response with such magnitude. This is true also, I believe, with meltdowns. Myself, I seem to get a balance of good and bad.

Somewhat like with manic-depression, I get lows and highs. Different triggers at different times elicit different responses. I call them triggers, but they could be once only occurrences. Music has a great effect on me, and it can be a cause of great emotion in me. Music usually called 'sad' has a very calming effect on me when I am at an emotional low. If I am in a receptive mood, some pieces of music can even elate me (try this). But then again, I really feel the music.

I am aware that music can be used in therapies, to calm, or help treat people. I'm not saying I disagree, but think of it like this:

Add 3 and -3 and you get 0. That's logic (actually it's mathematics, but bear with me). Emotions have zero base in reason, so while you can try to add sad to happy, but it might not equal normality. The best option is to gradually slide from one to the other, not try and jump too far.

My Personal Infographic

The classification of Asperger Syndrome can be somewhat difficult. Loose terminology leaves a lot of interpretation, meaning misdiagnoses or no diagnoses. There are generalised lists of what is encompassed on the syndrome, and phrases like "substantial social difficulties". Maybe it's just me and all the other Aspies that don't know what that means.

My point is, every person is different, and they will each have a different mixture of each supposed trait. Of course, being a syndrome means that every Aspie has similar core traits, but the extent to which these are apparent varies.

The Venn diagram above shows how I believe myself to be. The central circle is my experience of Asperger's. The other overlapping areas show what proportion of each has in common. An example, perhaps: I feel anxiety is full encompassed by AS, but social interaction in not fully included. Most people might socialise the entire circle - I only like to socialise the smaller segment. Anxiety is covered under emotions, but emotions don't play a very large part in my life (except anxiety).

Got the hang of it? One more example. Aspie aspects can be confused with OCD. Obsession is big among Aspies, and is linked to compulsion, which can also be related to Aspies. I don't claim to speak for all Aspies, this is just me.

My Friends Don't Like Their Friends

I'm not entirely sure whether this is an Aspie/NT issue, or just an issue with the people I know. I lean towards the former, since it's with more than one social group. Some of my friends do not like the people they call friends.

Now, I think that's odd: to socialise regularly with someone, converse and have a laugh with them, and still not like them is something I can't understand. I would say there is some male-female divide but although more females have told me about their dislike than males, it is not a clear cut division. When guys don't like each other, they either act civil but mostly ignore the other one, or they are antagonistic and maybe start a fight. It's always worse with girls, or at least I think it is, and is worst with two.

My view of social relationships is that you like your friends. "A bond of mutual affection" is not what I see with some of my friends. Actually, I always saw it and had to be told later that they disliked a particular person. I don't associate with people I don't like. So to hear what my friends to was a bit shocking. Remember I wrote about "Alice"? Soon after she left, another friend told me "I never liked her", which surprised me. On the other hand, the Soaps on TV seem to be full of these relationships. I don't watch them because I don't like them. I don't want them in real life either.

But NTs seem to like these shows, and they seem to live like that. Maybe that's the link.

What You Don't See

Autism is a spectrum, and Asperger Syndrome is said to be on that spectrum (some people think it should be separate, though). Asperger Syndrome is itself a spectrum, ranging from apparently neurotypical, to more obvious high functioning autism (HFA). No matter where a person is on this spectrum, it is entirely possible for them to appear neurotypical (should that be their goal).

There's are the aspies people don't see. To all outward appearances they are 'normal', no matter how they behave at home. These very people may have many internal struggles, or very few. The point is, the ones that society notices are the ones that are not coping with society. A person diagnosed with needing substantial help may still be coping well due to support networks.

But people don't always see what's in front of them. If they don't take an interest, then they might not notice when someone needs support. I suppose the purpose of this post is really to say that even Aspies who appear to be coping might like some support. When I first left for university, to live away from home for the first time, I felt overwhelmed. When I think of the responsibilities of living in a property where nothing is provided, where I'd have to sort out gas, electric, internet, and any other bills, I'm not sure how I'd cope.

I'm not saying I think I need support (I don't even know if I would qualify), but I know I would be happier. I suppose the emotional support provided by a spouse would be more than enough. I would classify my problems as small, and may be experienced by NTs, but I still struggle more than NTs without practice (or training). I can now make a short phonecall without mapping out all of the conversational possibilities and coming up with responses. I might still hesitate, and of course I call on my bank of stock telephone phrases.

I can only speak for myself, but I find that I am able to behave more neurotypical when around NTs (see The Appearance of Ego). What I am careful of people not to see (except maybe my parents), are these inequities. However, my fear of engaging strangers in conversation is still a sticking point for me. I don't want to be coddled, I would like some support, but I don't want people to see me struggle.

Appropriate Words

I know a lot of words. I've always known a lot of words. I read, I listen, I remember. Little Professors: a phrase used by Hans Asperger to describe the children in his study. When I was younger I stayed up late to finish writing something, and woke up early to read something else before going to school. I owned a thesaurus and used it. I used words the teachers didn't know. If I hear an interesting word, it sticks in my head until I find a definition, then it sticks in my head as a defined word. I was a Little Professor.

The problem is using the right word in every situation. It's said that we tend to be more articulate than most, and even verbose at time, and for most cases I believe that that's true (my friends have even asked me why I use 'big words', to which I answer 'because they are the most accurate words in this context'). The most common occurrence I have noticed with myself is referring to females, of any age. I know young females are girls, and that old females are women. I think the term 'ladies' is often used satirically (at least in modern UK culture). Women refer to other women as 'the girls'. 'Lads' is only used to describe a guy's friends, and it's always a 'couple of blokes'. So what do I call my early-twenty-something female friends? What would you call them? My observations suggest that 'girls' is the term despite them being legal adults. Perhaps my issues are with the rules, or lack thereof.

But to step aside from that particular quagmire, it is a consistent problem. It isn't uncommon for the exact word I'm looking for to escape me and I'm left floundering. Recently I was trying to describe something, and I couldn't find the descriptor of the correct intensity. This is perhaps a side effect or a symptom of always wanting to be precise. Sometimes when I'm asked what NTs call a 'yes or no' question, my answer can be quite long. A simple question may ask for my favourite colour (although I can't really think of a situation other than a constructed dating scenario). I would then ask what for? I might like a certain colour shirt, but not want my walls to by that colour. What's good on a car is not necessarily good on someone's head.

I don't really have a conclusion for this item, other than if you didn't know, now you did, and if you did, there's some proof for ya.

Reading "Watching The English"

Reading this book I almost get the same levels of clarity and revelation as I did when I first seriously researched Asperger Syndrome. I'm only partway through Kate Fox's anthropological study of my home people, and already I'm seeing things I've observed myself, but more importantly I'm learning things that could be useful.

Of course, most people out there are not English (which is unfortunate for them), so this book loses quite a lot of relevance. But I do think an outside view of customs and rituals can be very helpful for those who don't instinctively know them. So far, I have noticed a few differences between the observations in her book and my observations of my immediate social group. It could be generational, but even if it isn't it's still generally true. It's a good read.

The "Why-Because" Circle

I had an experience recently that I think Aspies will understand, and even the more laterally thinking NTs... The "Why-Because" Circle. When I don't understand things, I question until I do, which would be fine in an Aspie world, but not in one where my rulebook is different from everyone else's.

The crux of the issue is the difference in opinion of what a 'reason' is. I like solid reasons like an answer to "Why do we eat?" - simply "Because we have the urge to, we get good feelings when we do and bad feelings when we don't", or even "If you don't eat, you die." The type of answer I hate is "...because that's what's done".

I suppose if something is done long enough it is tradition, and I'm fine with that, but couldn't someone have pointed out the stupid ones before they became long running. An example from physics is the conventions for current in a circuit - the convention is that positive travels to negative, but in actuality does the opposite. So why not change it when we found that out? Because that's the way we'd done for a long time. Other situations like this are not the worst ones - at least they have a discernible source.

Often, when a person is told to do something a certain way, they do it that way. Some will ask why, and will get the response "because this is the way we do it". I would always want to know why, why do it that way? Sometimes because it seems inefficient or illogical. The 'best' people always explain why (probably because they know, and weren't just told themselves), but other will just say "it's done that way because that's the way everybody does it". Cheers, that's real helpful. And I bet you can guess why everybody does it that way... because it's what is done.

These kinds of arguments can infuriate me if I don't take a step back and tell myself it's not that big a deal. On the grand scheme of things it isn't, but Aspies can magnify small issues (quite often, too) to make them seem big to themselves. I think, once you are aware of an issue, you are already better equipped to deal with it. Self improvement isn't just for outward appearance.

"Will You Miss Me?"

I had some ask me that recently, and I didn't have nearly enough time to evaluate my feelings and decide how to express them. When a friend leaves, it's certainly a change, especially when you've known this person for a long time. My friend, let's call her Alice, is leaving the area with no intention to return any time soon. It's not thousands of miles like it could be in America, but it's still a bitch of a commute.

I think the honest answer would be no, I wouldn't miss Alice, in strict interpretation. I think that 'missing' someone implies a feeling of loss, a bit of mourning, and a general sad feeling. You may think it's my response is somewhat robotic, a little Spockian, but that makes it no less genuine. I would prefer it if she stayed. I like life how it is, and she's part of that.

I have invested vast amounts of time building this friendship over seven years. There have been a few down moments, but I think that made it stronger. I have a strong emotional attachment to her. However, her leaving will not directly affect me. She will not be available to come on nights out, I can't go to a coffee shop with her, we can't have a mooch around town. These are events which I enjoy, but won't happen, and I don't feel I will particularly lament their absence. We will absolutely still talk online, and I'm sure if my generation used phones to call people, we'd do that occasionally too.

But I don't like change (not that most people do). I won't like the fact that we can't do these things, but I won't be genuinely sad. I know this because I had another friend move away a few years ago. I could have said goodbye at the airport, but it was an early flight and I was asleep. Again, this is a friend who I really enjoyed spending time with, and now I sometimes think it would be nice to meet up again. I can't, the main reason is the trip would probably cost me close to a month's wages, and I think Japan would freak me out.

I think what I said is that I wouldn't like not having her around. I will not miss Alice: I will miss the social interactions. I can still talk to her, so it's not that bad. Either that's a bonus of being Aspie, or I'm just a guy...

Getting Turned About

No advice here today as such, but some experience. Other Aspies have meltdowns, or shutdowns, and I can't say I've really experienced this. Sure I had 'tantrums' when I was younger, but nothing I would recognise as a meltdown (but I wasn't diagnosed back them).

What I do get is hard to describe. I get a rush of adrenaline, I know that. This means I feel the need to... do something. Sometimes it means I have to go for a walk, and others it just means I pace and do something that probably looks like a constipated dance. My hands start flapping, but my elbows stay stuck to my sides.

At the same time, I start moving my head a lot and start talking, start repeating, things intended to be reassuring. I usually find something to distract myself with, or I just let it run it's not-so-short course.


I've always thought of myself of almost off the spectrum, but with enough traits to be recognised as having Asperger's Syndrome. But writing this I realise on these rare occasions, anyone could see I'm on the spectrum. But it hasn't happened in public yet.

In Case Of Emergency, [Unexpected Error]

I have said before that new situations are difficult for me, but generally they are only partly new, with some base in behaviour I know. When things happen that are completely alien, I have no clue what to do, so I often do nothing. This has happened a few times in my life and I'm going to list a few, starting with the least significant.

Of course you, the reader, don't know me, but those who do know that I am always articulate, have a wealth of information ,and a counterpoint to every argument. This is all true within the normal realms of conversation. But very occasionally, someone will ask a question which I have never had to think about before (possibly of a personal nature).
In these situations, it's like the wires aren't connected, the file's not found, there's nothing behind Door Number One. My mouth goes to form a word, then... nothing. This has happened possibly 3 times. As a side, the most awkward of these situations was a guy asking me if I would date his girlfriend given the chance, while she was standing there.

I once observed a man stumbling down the street with the weirdest gait I've seen. He was quite a way ahead of me when he fell down, and there were people around him to see what was the matter. In fact, a car stopped to see if any assistance was needed. He waved them off, got up, and carried on his way.
He made it about 100ft before he fell again and there were still people around who could help him up. He waved them off too. As I passed the would-be helpers I hear them say they could "smell it on his breath". I didn't know the guy, but I had been a little concerned, maybe he'd been hit by a car, I don't know. I assumed he was drunk, but that's not really a good state to be in by the roadside.
Next time he fell, I was the closest person to him, but I didn't rush to his aid when he fell, I just carried on at normal speed and went straight past him. Was that the best thing to do? I don't know, but neither did I know what needed to be done.

I rank this higher, because it affects someone I know. A friend informed me that one of their parents was quite ill - hospital grade ill. I've had very few hospital related incidents in my life, so I really didn't know how severe it was. Either way, I though I should be a supportive, or at least well-meaning friend.
But what does one do in that situation? Are you supposed to say "wow, that really sucks" in sad tones? Are you supposed to do the whole "If there's anything you need..." spiel? I'm pretty sure about this one but are you supposed to inquire as to the nature and fatality of the 'illness'?
I settled for the "Hope they get better" with a follow up some time later. I just hope they recognised that I'm not good at this and took heart that I cared.

The final incident I'll describe you may possibly think is the most heinous, but remember I was (and possibly still am) poorly equipped in all necessary aspects to deal with the situation.
I was at home one day, and since it was a nice day, had the window open. I heard the clatter of a ladder and an 'argh!' from through the window. I had a look, but could see nothing, and without going house to house, had no way of knowing where it came from. Yes, I did think he might be injured, but I didn't here any further commotion, so I put it to the back of my mind feeling a little bit guilty, but assuring myself that it was more likely that her was fine.
I later found out that it was a workman working on a house while the owners were out. He fell off his ladder and injured his spine. The ambulance crew took him away. From what I heard, he recovered with no serious complaints. But it must have been a few hours before he was discovered, and I can rationalise away my behaviour, or I can blame myself, but I felt I would have some kind of meltdown if I tried to help, and that's not helpful.


These are situations where I felt I could do nothing, or didn't know how to act. I've said the best way to deal with this is to practice, but I don't want to practice these.

"Don't Let It Bother You"

That used to be a phrase that I couldn't really comprehend, and it used to annoy me when people said it. It's like telling someone not to forget - they can try to remember, but they may very well forget. But recently, after some reading, and not a small amount of thinking, I decided not to let it bother me.

After a long time worrying about worrying, I just thought: "let it go". And I was surprised (and happy) that I felt I could. Maybe it's because I have been trying, and reading, and trying some more that I got to this stage. Sure, it might be hard putting it in to practice, but right now I've got a grin on my face. Because I won't let these little things bother me.

It will be different for different people, but I think there must be a trigger that can be fired when you get to a certain point. I don't claim to have reached enlightenment, but I will say it's a good feeling just to say:
I am how I am, and I can't change that, only become better at being myself.
Suffering is created from within, and I choose to let go of that suffering.
Things will turn out how they turn out, why worry about it?

The core truth of what I am saying is that, if you are feeling negative emotions, get to a place where you can let go of them. You could exercise rigorously to release them, but it's an exercise of the mind to let them go before they build up.

Practice and New Situations

I believe I have already mentioned that I have generalised anxiety or some form of social phobia. I have read what the literature has to say on the matter - usually something about cognitive reframing and logical thinking - but the only real method I have found effective is practice.

One example I could list is phone calls, something I believe quite a few Aspies don't like. Before I really examined it, I didn't know why I disliked phone calls, and assumed it was just something to do with my generation (as in peer group, not the the song by The Who). The issue is that I didn't really know when it was my turn to speak. After receiving many calls, albeit mostly from sales companies, I came up with stock phrases and I suppose I mimicked my parents' phone style a bit. These were less useful when there were new situations, or I was making the call.

As with talking with strangers face-to-face, phone calls take more conscious effort. I've noticed this even when talking to friends on the phone - people I know and am comfortable around. Every phone call I make adds to my experience and therefore my confidence making new calls. How? It's simple. Having  more things to draw on means I can take aspects from each and combine them effectively in ever new situations.
 
This can be applied to all social interactions, but you might have to start off small before building up to completely alien situations. Believe it or not, I feel generally more confident knowing there are things I can deal with now that I had issues with earlier.

The Aspergian Brain

I don't profess to be a neuroscientist, or any other brain-studier, so what you read here may not be 100% accurate, but it's what I can pull together about how the difference in 'wiring' produces these different results.

The Frontal Lobe:
I understand that it controls/regulates things such as emotions, some motor skills, impulse control, long term memory, and decision making. Studies into children with AS have found that there is reduced activity in this area when making a decision. This is purely my speculation, but I'm thinking that the further along the spectrum, the less this area reacts. Think Rainman - Raymond was completely unable to determine right from wrong, or to decide his future.

Also, deficiencies (or deviations from the norm) in this area could mean a reduced emotional response or emotional competence. If the neurons aren't firing like those of NTs, then behaviour will be different. Interestingly, the frontal lobes are involved with the sense of humour, and I know that some Aspies are described as lacking in that department. Quite importantly, the area believed to be involved with detecting deception, irony, and sarcasm is in the frontal lobes.

If there is simply a difference in structure, and not a deficiency in brain chemicals, this may explain the single-mindedness - the ability to be completely absorbed , the stubbornness, even the genius. Research into adult Aspergians has found higher levels of protein in the frontal lobes (cerebral cortex). This same difference may also be linked with the difficulty in social interaction. The communication between parts of the brain may be hindered by the different layout or concentration of hormones.

More activity in this region could account for better non-task memory: fact recall.

The Amygdala:
This is supposedly where the emotions are decoded. If they are incorrectly decoded, or the message is misinterpreted at the other end, then I believe that would result in 'emotional incompetence'. As this is also the area that deals with threats and senses. This could explain why some people have sensory overloads: they perceive 'normal' things as threats or as bad things, and this part of the brain takes over, trying to get the body away and possibly warning others (wailing and jerking).

Possibly, the difference in the structure means that people with an ASD could be hyper-vigilant or unable to shut certain things out. The amygdala is in constant contact with the cerebral cortex, and if it thinks there is  danger, it will be sending more messages to the frontal lobes, causing anxiety.

It has also been linked to social emotional processing (empathy).


If anyone with learning or knowledge in this area wishes to contradict me, please do, as this is all speculation based on perfunctory research.

Stimming

When it comes to dealing with anxiety, there are a few things you can try in order to lessen those feelings. However, when in stressful situations, I have found that I 'stim'.

It's not a phrase I applied to myself until recently, and it does apply. Similar to with OCD, it is the performance of repetitive actions, but this time in a more mentally healthy way. It is a calming action that is repeated when stressed. What is most often quoted is children with AS spinning in circles, but apparently can include intellectual pursuits or precision tasks.

Personally, my stimming mostly manifests itself in the form of wiggling the toes on my left foot. This is for just above base level anxiety, and I do find it helps me keep calm. It's nearly subconscious now, so that by the time I realise something is stressing me, I am already trying to deal with it. If I'm sat up, my leg jiggles, which draws attention, but not much, and it does it's job. For increased levels of stress (and nervous energy), I shake my right hand like I'm playing an invisible tambourine, or tap a surface really fast for a long period of time.

It works to bring down, or reign in, anxiety levels.I'm not saying it's a 'healthy habit', but I am saying it can help, especially in some social situation.

A Step Back

I like to think that I'm acting more NT more easily over time, but today I found myself doing something I hate. I have always said I'm least at ease when I'm in a new situation and I don't know the protocol - that's when the anxiety kicks in. Today I avoided the anxiety by giving in to the sociophobia.


Somebody asked me to do something I'd never done before, and I couldn't push myself to do it. I need to figure out how to overcome this...

Wonderings

Is the best thing really to withdraw? By avoiding any situation in which one can be hurt, one supposedly avoids it. It might not be considered a good or happy life, but I say look at Sheldon Cooper. Although fictional, he represents a very real personality type. Often dragged out as the quintessential highly gifted aspie, he finds enjoyment in intellectual pursuits. Relationships are designed for fulfillment - the biology of the involved is such that the bond itself can bring happiness. This is not only true of romantic relationships (although the endorphin release may be much greater), but of social relationships too.

Similar to other aspies, I have perhaps a different classification of friendship than neurotypicals. I don't know what their system is, or even if they have one defined (I've never asked), but mine is very clear in its tiers.

Top tier - significant other:
This bond is thought of as unbreakable, while it provides high fulfillment of emotional needs. No important secrets, and absolute trust. Things in this relationship are as facts.

Second tier - close friends:
There are no more than half a dozen I would call close friends. These people know I'm aspie, and I sometimes talk to them about it. I confide in them. Money isn't an issue and items can easly pass between us. I don't tell them they're in my 'inner circle' but they might suspect it.

Third tier - friends:
They are who I socialise most with. Probably long time acquaintances, I'd be comfortable around them, but still put on a bit of an NT act. We share small talk and I don't have any issues with any of them. I would trust them with something, but nothing vital. For example my DSLR: only select few people are allowed to touch it, and only my family after hesitation.

Final tier - acquaintances/people I interact with:
This would be people I went to school or uni with but didn't particularly befriend combined with people I refer to as 'service people' (no offence meant, it is simply how I classify cashiers, ticketpeople, sales assistants, and the like) and people I see regularly who I don't intend to befriend.

This may explain why I have less than half the average number of 'friends' on social networks. But I don't care, they can't really have 400 friends... that's more than one per day. Can't be done.

Part of me thinks I could just invert in to my own little existence, not getting to know new people, wanting things to be the same. The rest knows it's impossible, and would probably end in depression. It's best to just get on with life, I suppose. And hell, I might even enjoy it.

What I Don't Understand

When I talk about things I don't understand, I don't mean Quantum Loop Gravity, Bessel Function proofs, or why the Kardashians are famous. I mean other things that NTs generally don't think about. Think of this post as a few micro-rants after a short hiatus.

The term "Hit and Miss" - these two terms are mutually exclusive, are they not? It is not possible to both miss and hit at the same time. What people mean to say is "sometimes this, sometimes that", or even "occasionally something". Is there no grey area? Just say it's equally likely.

Issues with bare feet - I know we cover up most of the rest of our bodies, but I was told it was poor form to be barefoot around the house in the presence of guests. Why? I only wear socks as shoe liners, and I'd be fine if people wanted to go barefoot around me. Some people ask you remove your shoes, I say it's fine to go one step further.

Um - I seem to have started making this noise to indicate I want to speak. I don't know why, but it's about as annoying to me as upspeak.

Everyone is always awesome - greetings cards are always to your favourite, or a very special person. Everybody who died of a disease was a light in their family's lives and a pillar of the community. There is nothing that expresses the sentiment "We don't really like each other, but it is a social expectation that I do this". This might not be the best idea, but it's a thought. I want to receive a card that states: "We have known each other for the best part of two decades, but we have never been particularly close. However, there exists a bond between us that is difficult to define but could be labelled as friendship. I wish to express my appreciation of this bond, the emotional fulfillment it can provide, and all the times we have enjoyed each other's company in card form. Happy Birthday"

Names of things and ambiguity - today I saw two products by the same manufacturer which had somewhat ambiguous labeling. As I read it, one product implied it refreshed your eyes, and one implied it made them itchy. I do understand of course the purpose of each. And I do really like the English language (most languages for that matter) - some words have multiple meanings and two words can sound the same (yay for puns) - but I don't always know how to process slightly ambiguous statements. Which is possibly why I don't do too well on wordy exam questions...

Big Worries

Normally, I worry about things that other think of as small and insignificant, and they cause me anxiety. Occasionally, I think about the future, and what it might have in store. Now most people do this from time to time, and probably see something they like, or something they can work towards. I have a pretty firm idea of how I want my life to be a few years down the line, and I know it's not (massively) unrealistic.

I genuinely would like to marry and have kids. However, I know that AS is genetic, and a major worry for me is that I will produce children on the severe end of the spectrum. You may think me callous, or mean, or whatever, but I don't have severe AS, and I can find the world challenging enough. True, I may not carry 'the Asperger gene', but I am also unaware of any studies done into the matter.
I don't think it would stop me, and it wouldn't change how I felt if my kids were further along the spectrum, but the part of me that seems designed to be anxious flares up at this.
I realise this is a hurdle to be overcome if and when I get there.

The bigger worries are always the emotional worries, and not the intellectual ones. Perhaps this is because I feel I can apply logic and rationality to non-emotional issues. Getting a job, for example. I am a student at the moment and I know that I need a job in order to fund living. However, I don't seem to assign getting a job much significance. Finding emotional fulfilment, on the other hand, is a high priority. I told an NT once that I would be absolutely fine with being a social drop-out, as long as I was happy. This was not met well. I'm not seriously considering disregarding my education and prospects, but I felt it expressed how I felt, that almost paradox: what I want most (almost to exclusivity) is emotional stability/welbeing, but it seems more difficult to get, and employment (sure we're in a recession) which is less difficult with a science degree, holds no immediate draw. I know aspies and NTs may feel this alike.

Mimicry

People don't often talk about the plus points of Aspergers, like loyalty, honesty, and memory. Some Aspergians become great scientists, musicians, or mathematicians. I find that because I watch people, I mean really watch them, I am able to copy mannerisms, accents, voices.

It's not important, or significant, but it's a talent mixed with a skill which I find amusing, a hobby if you will. I used to be genuinely surprised when other people couldn't do this. But then when I looked at it differently I found commonalities with having AS: I observe others and mimic their mannerisms and pronunciations. This is similar to how I look at my social behaviour: I observe others and mimic their behaviours.

Okay, so I can't bend my voice to sound like everyone, that's just not how the vocal system works. What I can do is hear an accent, copy and interpolate, and reproduce it, and I just know what to do. With some voices, I can actually produce a good facsimile. I can't describe exactly how I do it, but I kind of picture myself as the person I'm imitating.

As with social interactions, this works. Unfortunately, this talent I seem to have for vocal mimicry doesn't exactly map onto other situations. But I'm happy with my little talent - I can speak in 35 accents, and do impressions of at least 10 celebrities. Just one good aspect of being an aspie.

The Appearance of Ego

I think I have low self-confidence. It may have something to do with social anxiety, pessimism, and slight perfectionism. I have to put on a show, the appearance of ego when I'm in social situations. Throw some bravado in there for good measure.

Of course, we all have an ego, super-ego, and id. I'm referring to being egotistical, a somewhat alpha-male behaviour. I find that I act like an alpha-male when in a social group, probably to hide my insecurities, and to satisfy my need for control. Underneath I'm running hot - taking in lots of data, trying to interpret it as best as possible, and deliver a suitable response. For me, alpha behaviour is easier to mimic. Then, any misunderstandings in conversation or body-language can be dismissed as fault of the other person. I'm the boss round here, so it must be your fault. Any slight to that image of egotism is dismissed or redirected. Bitch, I'm awesome. As far as I can tell, it works.

It's all based on analysis and thinking though. Perhaps acting confident makes you confident, something psychosomatic, somewhat like the placebo effect. It's the only logical conclusion: I'm acting confident, people think I'm confident, I must be confident. And it works... in social situations.

When I'm alone, it's a different story altogether. Recently I was at a jobs fair, an event where students wander round the space and talk to prospective employers. The thing is, I don't have the confidence to talk to them, and even if I do, what a first impression I'd make. If I knew the social protocols, it might be better, more like a visit to the shops. It could be a control issue, and not knowing the possible outcomes.

I just need a way to give the appearance of ego in unfamiliar situations...

Hypervigilance

It is common for Aspies to suffer from hypervigilance, a state where all those fight-or-flight mechanisms are running hot. It is a state most often associated with post traumatic stress disorder. I am somewhat hypervigilant, either as a symptom of constant higher stress/adrenaline levels, or one of many causes of it.

I have yet to find a suitable coping or prevention mechanism, but I would assume that by reducing my anxiety level, switching to the sympathetic nervous system, relaxing, the hypervigilance would abate.

When there is an unexpected noise, not even a loud noise, my heart rate picks up almost before I hear it. Unless I can readily identify the cause and source, I have the urge to investigate. If I'm listening to the radio and hear people outside, I will mute the radio and listen often until they're gone. When I hear a human noise at night, despite my best efforts, my heart jumps and I find it harder to sleep. When I was younger, I used to immediately check a new place for exits and cameras, in case something happened. I know it isn't at all severe, I'm not paranoid, and I'm not afraid, but it is still there, and it affects me.

How do I deal with it? I don't get worried or stressed about hypervigilance for a start. That could possibly compound. Usually, the effects are much less when I'm in a safe environment, but when I'm not, I just identify the sound and source as best as possible and assure myself that there is nothing to worry about. In public spaces, I avoid magnification, a behaviour which looks at the small things, and not the big picture. How many times have I had to make an emergency exit from am imminent threat? None, that I recall. What about at night when I'm away from home? Earplugs. They are unbelievably helpful, trust me. And You can still hear your alarm clock.

It Is Never An Excuse

I have a tendency to want to blame my AS for certain behaviours and shortcomings. This is the wrong way to go about things. When I recognise something I could do better, I try hard to take that on board and improve on it next time. If I make a social faux pas then my obsession over it later can help ensure I don't do it again, or at least less often. If I find myself in a situation where I feel I'm about to lose control, I will examine the situation and try to understand what contributed to my state, and try to avoid or prevent that happening again in the future.

You could look at it in a similar way to overcoming addiction: there is an undesired behaviour which seems so natural, but that you're trying to overcome. You may have relapses occasionally. You may feel down occasionally. What if an alcoholic said the reason, the excuse, for his violence or uncivil behaviour was simply that he was an alcoholic? What if a drug addict said his stealing to support his habit was justified because he was a drug addict? That wouldn't lie. Neither does blaming Aspergers for poor behaviour and bad interactions.

I'm not saying AS is the same as addiction, because it is not. However, to be a happier overall person, it is important to fight every day. I've read that to face the world everyday, people with Aspergers are braver than most. If you let AS rule your life, you are not a worse person, but if you can look at the world as a challenge to be overcome, and strive to better yourself then I'd say yes, that is quite brave. And you can feel better about yourself because of it.

(Awkward) Silences

People say they don't like awkward silences, and that's fair, but I think the term 'awkward' is often misapplied. When an inappropriate comment is made in public conversation, it is called an awkward silence. When two people are waiting for, or are in, a lift and they don't talk, it is called an awkward silence. If someone holds your gaze for an extended period of time, that's awkward too.

But why they are awkward has always puzzled me. In the case of the lift (or elevator, for US occupants), my view is that I don't know this person, and there is no immediate need to speak to this person, so I don't. I have talked to an NT about this, who said that it seemed odd that people wouldn't talk to each other considering that we are all part of the human experience.

We are all people, yes, but where in society does it say that we must engage everyone we see in conversation? Perhaps society would be a friendlier, if noisier, place for this, but it would be less functional. The fact that NTs feel uncomfortable in silence is something they might want to look at. Perhaps it goes back to the fact that NTs try to read signs that aren't there and Aspies just don't read the signs. Maybe the NTs aren't picking up a vibe from the stranger next to them, or across the room from them, so feel unsure about the situation. Maybe people with AS are oblivious to the awkward feeling from the other party, so don't reciprocate it.

I'm still a little confused about it, but I don't feel the need to talk to people in order to break the silence. If their discomfort at no conversation is too much and they need to converse, I can overcome my discomfort with small talk to make them feel at ease. Usually, it's quite concise and results in silence, but a silence in which all parties concerned feel somewhat at ease.

Being On Time, And The Inherent Anxiety

I have to be on time. It's not a choice, it is an absolute state for me. Of course being on time is important for work and interviews and such, but I can't let it stop there.

That is where one part of the problem lies. The other part is the sheer anxiety I feel when I need to be somewhere at a specific time. I plan my route, I know arrival and departure times of any public transport, I know transit time, and I factor in time for unseen delays. And 99.9% of the time, I am on time or early. Thinking about it rationally, the repercussions of being late are astronomically minor. Okay, if I'm late to a job interview it might harm my chances, but I don't have those often. I can assure myself that I can get there an hour early, and even if there is a major transport incident, I could still get there with time to spare. All variables taken care of.

But there is still that nervous energy that makes me pace, clench my fists, grind my teeth, tap my fingers, and just generally stress out. The other part I mentioned is that I let it leak into other parts of my life, like meeting friends for a drink. "Oh meet at 8 o'clock? Yeah, I'll see you then." Then be there at 8 o'clock! It's not that hard. This is where I get a bit Aspie. Even if they said meet at about a given time, I always arrive on the dot, and expect them to. I've become used to the fact that very few people care as much as I do about being on time. I say that that specific trait is Aspie, because a few sources talk about the AS view of justice. If I abide by the these (albeit self inflicted) rules, then so should every one else. But they don't, and I've got used to it.

But I am still always on time.

Anger At Myself

Sometimes I can't help but be frustrated. I can't let things go, I find it difficult to relax, and my social ineptitude can get me down. I don't have anyone to blame, and I don't want anyone to blame. I am the way I am mostly though genetics.

I get angry at myself sometimes when some time later I realise, or it is pointed out, that I may have done something odd, insensitive, or hurtful. It's anger at myself because I was unable to see these flaws, and frustration with myself that I am unable to handle these emotions. I think mostly it's that I am frustrated that I lack the will power to overcome my shortcomings.

Until I can master those, or at least improve upon them, I need to cope with the negative emotions, anxiety and obsession. It's often advised that one should talk about it, thus making it a bit better.  I don't talk to people about my Aspergers much, and I can't always talk to them when I need to, so I try coping strategies.

Coping is using intelligence to find something to distract, or move attention away, from the current situation. When I'm feeling anxious or frustrated, I tend to be overcome with nervous energy and start to pace. This is more of a symptom than a coping strategy. What I do then is sit down, breathe deeply and think logically about the most likely outcomes and the (in)significance of their impact. And this works for a short period of time.

When I'm angry, I have a different coping mechanism which may not be for everyone. I find that an adrenaline filled activity where skill is needed, can completely reduce the feelings of anger. I usually play Modern Warfare 2. Why? It get's my heart rate up, I have to combine sight, hearing, and my brain, and I genuinely care about the outcome. It might help that I'm good at the game, but I don't get the same release when I play other games. Physical exercise like lifting weights or using punchbags doesn't work for me but it might for others.

And for just general stress or obsession, I've found that a walk does me good. There are obviously times when you can't just walk three miles, but I have yet to find something else to help. Well there is one thing, but I haven't tried it much, which is just lying on the floor. I find it very hard to care about things when I'm lying staring at the ceiling. It could just be me though. Whatever works for you I suppose.

The Trial of Shopping

People with Asperger’s are not necessarily good at social interactions. I’m no exception. When a Neurotypical goes down to the shops, they may engage the cashier or other customers in pleasantries and chitchat. When I go to the shops, and I only go to the shops if I vitally need something, I don’t engage anyone in ‘meaningless’ talk.

The way I view the world affects the way I interact with it, which I think is true for us all. I perceive a need – for food, clothes, whatever – so I must go to a place where I can acquire these things. When I’m there I get what I need, then go to pay. This is a simple transaction where I perform my function of customer and the cashier performs the function of enabling this purchase. Maybe you’ll see some similarities with yourself there…

On an intellectual level, I am aware that the other person is not simply a function, and they very well may want a way to alleviate the monotony of their day. I also understand that pleasantries and chatter are an important part of social bonding, and even though I will probably never befriend this worker, it’s nice and polite. However, as is often the case, the emotional side of my brain – the side of my brain to which I attribute my anxieties and aspie-isms – wants to take over, it wants to get this done and dusted as quickly as possible.

So I use stock phrases, watch the weather, and try not to be oblivious of current events. I’ve been told that small talk is the social grease, and although I don’t necessarily feel the benefits of it, it gives the illusion of being ‘normal’. It’s a shame, but some NTs might feel awkward around people who don’t conform, and an uncomfortable NT may be more difficult to interact with. So when someone says to me “it’s a right cold patch we’re having isn’t it?”, I don’t just say “yes” and move on, I try to say something like “well I hear it will get better by Monday”. Just that small stock sentence may illicit a smile from the other party, because there is that expected bit of social grease that tells them they’re not dealing with a psychopath, oddball, or any other type of weirdo. Okay, I still often come across as socially awkward by dint of inflection or odd pause lengths in conversation, but they appreciate it. Think of it like speaking bad French to a Frenchman – he might pick up on it, but will appreciate you trying.

Post Zero

Asperger Syndrome is something a small percentage of the world's population has to live with, and there are a few publications which aim to help those people. More literature exists to help parents 'deal' with aspie kids, or to help Neurotypicals understand Aspies. Hopefully this blog, detailing my experiences, will help, or at least amuse, other young Aspie adults.

Hi, I have mild Asperger Syndrome, or a combination of other conditions that present themselves indistinguishable from it. I will be posting my frustrations and any ways I find to deal with them.